I’m afraid

Sorry this is just a rant piece, nothing really helpful to anyone reading.
Think I’ve been caught with a bad habit, been trying to lose weight – think you can imagine what it is.
I’m nowhere near my goal weight and I’m afraid I’ll be made to stop. Not to mention the damn humiliation of anyone, let alone my whole family, knowing.
I was diagnosed with bipolar four years ago and only just managed to convince my family that it wasn’t true. Of course it is hahaha, every time I’m in hypo-mania I think I don’t have it.
So anyways I’ve crashed hard and as strange as it is I’m afraid to leave my depressive state because it just feels like I’m prolonging the inevitable.
Once I’m ready I just want to end things and free everyone.
Thanks for the rant, even if no-one replies!