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Is changing ok?

by Abandoned

Advice? Ive always had a strong stance towards change. I never wanted someone to change because of me. Its my problem not yours. You shouldnt have to change who you are because of me. Is mental illness different? Lately ive been thinking about leaving my husband because we are 2 different people. Where as my temper gets set off because someone decided to “step on my toes” his will get set off by the stupidest little things like someone walked out in front of him. I understand why. He explained it to me. But i grew up being yelled at and now when theres anger around me even when i know igs not directed at me it can upset me. Example. One day in gr4 someone in class did something (i remember what it was i jist feel its not important to the story) we had to stay in everyday until someone admitted to doing it. And everyday the teacher raised her voice. And i would put my head on my desk and cry. I didnt do anything. The teacher even said that to everyone who didnt do it she was sorry but i still cried. Hes offered to change his anger. And he is trying. But ive never ever wanted someone to change because of me. Is it ok to allow someone to change because you are mentally broken? Thats your problem not theirs.

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rivets 11/16/2019 - 4:21 am

I think, generally speaking, change is not something that someone wills to happen in another person. You can will it, and it might happen, but there is no causality between the two. So not willing for another person to change won’t make it not happen. You can accept his decision or reject it, but it’s ultimately up to him either way.

mountaingoat 11/16/2019 - 4:33 am

Hi

We all have to cease our anger.

If you are the object your husband needs to realize this within himself, please do not think there is something wrong by characterizing it as him ‘changing for you’, and all the baggage you attach to that. That’s illusion.

Reality is that this is love working. And it is very beautiful.

This quest to cease one’s anger is not an easy one. It’s going to flair up sometimes and say all kinds of hateful things, probably. To drive you away.

This man must truly love you and I pray the two of you can peacefully navigate this life you share together. Please don’t leave him.

hope432 11/16/2019 - 7:13 am

“And i would put my head on my desk and cry. I didnt do anything. ”

You deserve respect. There are not many people who could do such a thing without being consumed by shame.

shatterediris 11/16/2019 - 3:52 pm

A person isn’t going to change only due to somebody else really…. So don’t worry about feeling that you are forcing your husband to change for your benefit, he is likely changing since he realizes that his irrational anger (which if he’s getting angry about somebody walking in front of him is certainly irrational) is putting a strain on his relationship with you…. I imagine not having a strain there certainly does benefit him. Either way I feel like it is perfectly acceptable to either expect somebody to change or to leave your life, as it is fair for them to do with you. If the one person does not want to change the specified thing about themselves then the relationship likely isn’t going to work out anyway…. So yes while I feel like you should not only change something about yourself for others, you can still expect certain standards of behavior from others in exchange for your companionship…. I don’t think I expressed this well but meh. I’m sorry if this is very word salad.

It'll Be Ok 11/16/2019 - 4:06 pm

You expressed it fined. Well at least I understood what you were saying. However I will disagree his anger towards that is not irrational. These people should not be jay walking in the first place and considering how a suicidal person jumped in front of him in the past I don’t blame him for it i just wish he would relax a little bit and maybe react a bit differently to it.

Silversilvers 11/16/2019 - 10:54 pm

We are who we are. People rarely change. I guess it’s more like we adapt and possibly compromise depending on the situation. If you aren’t happy in your marriage, you gotta let that shit out. If he isn’t willing to compromise.. Then he can go kick rocks. You are beautiful and there are a million fish out there waiting to get banged.

It'll Be Ok 11/16/2019 - 11:20 pm

1) because of my mental illnesses im not sure if im actually not happy or if its something else
2) im not a slut and even if we did break up id like to keep my pants on thank you

Potato 11/17/2019 - 1:00 am

Dunno if my opinion counts for much, and definitely can’t add much of anything anyone else hasn’t added, but if he wants to change and is trying to, there’s nothing wrong with it imho, and if he can learn to cope with what is causing that issue then I imagine he’ll be better off without it. Really can’t see the downside to that, besides it being difficult to actually do it.

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