Throughout my childhood I’ve been comfortable with anyone and anywhere since I grew up with most of my male cousins. Sure I enjoyed barbie and disney but often I preferred playing outside with the boys getting dirt all over our clothes, playing with fake guns, playing basketball with most of my brother’s friends, and getting all my clothes from them as I was the youngest of them all. That’s how a girl like me grew up to be kinda boyish. Well I admit I got confused for a while. Nothing new since I attended an all girls school all through kinder to highschool.
Never did I thought that of all people a blood related relative would do it to me. I was 13 years old. At first there were 2 watching and my cousin was the one doing it but it did not go that far since they thought I was awake. And yes I was, I shivered from him running his tongue in my back. Second time it was only that same cousin. Woke up to him sitting by the foot of my bed licking my feet. Smelled alcohol on him. That time I was so sure that he’ll never do it again since I caught him from doing it.
One morning I just woke up without my clothes on and with my sando bra pushed up to my shoulders. Yes I haven’t even hit the fullest of my puberty then. I was so sticky and confused but had an idea as to who did it. I quickly showered and saw him going down the stairs as soon as I opened my door. He lives on the third floor of our house and was going down for lunch. At first he averted his eyes and was awkward around me that day. I was sure then that it was him.
After that incident I cannot go to sleep without locking my door and holding something in my hand. I wake up from the smallest sounds and even lock my door during daytime. It became a habit. From time to time I spend hours in the shower trying to clean myself because I feel so dirty. I scrub myself until my skin goes red and becomes wounded. Why would he do that? He’s my cousin isn’t he? My parents took him in with his mother when their house was destroyed by a typhoon that hit our country. They don’t pay anything judt their own bathroom essentials. My dad even payed for my cousin’s tuition fee when he was in high school.
Okay this has become very long but I still intend to countinue so I’ll post another one. Not even sure if anyone will read up until this but it feels good to say this well definitely not out loud. But it feels like it.