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My First Post

by Atum

     In the midst of another outbreak of depression, I found this website through the magical wonder that is Google Chrome. Apparently, searching terms idly such as, “can i just die” and, “does my life matter” actually aren’t completely useless. Let’s start with some basics. My name is Adam. I am 15 years old as of writing this. My mother passed away due to complications regarding lung cancer about a year and a half ago, leaving my already dysfunctional family fractured in an injury that seems beyond healing. I struggle with severe social anxiety, which I believe to contribute a great deal to my depression. Anyways, here I am, ready to spill my heart and ideas out to a bunch of strangers around the world. 

     Writing this, I find my decision to even share this with anyone, much less people I don’t know on the internet, slightly odd. In thinking about that, I realize just how attention-starved I must be. After all, the only people in my life that seem to even remotely understand the position I’m in are the people who are paid to do so. Man, that’s a depressing thought. My father works all day, my brothers are in a constant state of distraction to avoid their problems, and my peers are too busy beating themselves up about having A-’s in one class. (I live in a predominantly wealthy Asian town in the Bay Area) In that case, writing this doesn’t feel too stupid. After all, you and I share something no? A bond over suffering, pain, and perhaps some trauma. With that in mind, I don’t wish for practical and literal things from people anymore. All I ask is for people to take the time to understand me, in which I am always left short. Maybe that’s why I’m here. 

     In my opinion, when viewed from a completely “rational” point of view, life is simply not worth living. It is my belief that even your average Joe will suffer far more than he experiences positivity and pleasure. From a mathematical perspective, negatives cancel out positives. If the end result is negative, then why live? Depression may seem like a corner that you’re trapped in, unable to experience happiness and positivity because there is none right?! Well I disagree with that. Depression distorts your perspective, making you interpret even the positive things as negative. If I were to grow older and survive the violence that I perceive to be adulthood, my goal would be to find a way to live with the ludicrousness that is society. This is in stark contrast to what I believe most people do; throw a bunch of shit on top of the wounds and hope they heal, or stay underneath all that shit so that that they don’t even realize the wound exists. 

     When searching random shit on Google for the 800th time, I happened upon an article attempting to reach out to people actively considering suicide. Out of curiosity, I read the article. One of it’s most facinating arguments was the idea that, “People consider suicide for relief from pain. Relief is a feeling, one you have to be alive to experience.” Have you ever told yourself or a trusted individual that, “I want to die, but I don’t want to kill myself.” That reality is one that keeps me alive everyday, somehow. Now is that my body biologically telling my brain that it wants to live, or is it something greater? I believe the latter. If you’re reading this, think about it. No matter where you are, what you’ve done, or how you feel, there has to be a future with a positive outcome right? For me at least, I’ve come to realize that I’m not as screwed in life as I would believe I was. Though I am far into a dark tunnel, the faint hints of light at the end begin to shine through in some of my better moments during each day. However, that alone won’t ease my mind. When everyday contains a similar struggle, seeing point B from point A won’t help you get to B. There are still many days between me and that moment. 

     With that in mind, I frequently ask myself, “Why?” Why should I keep fighting this war that I didn’t start? Why should I persevere? That is what drives the idea that suicide is even a remotely plausible option. Why continue? When life is pain, why keep going? For me, I’m still here because the idea of a light at the end of a tunnel, though not necessarily confirmed to exist, entices me to continue living. To cling on to life. 

If you’re still here, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to hear what I have to say.

Adam

3 comments
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3 comments

Cause of Death: Suicide 12/12/2019 - 4:34 pm

I found this blog typing in ‘ how to kill myself ‘
I’ve been searching this for at least 15 years.
Sadly, you aren’t actually allowed to discuss methods on here and not a lot of people surprisingly are all that serious about committing suicide.
But, while searching I did find other websites, I know now how to kill myself because of the other websites. Luckily, because before I was completely clueless. I thought in order to die, I would have to buy a gun (out of my price range and I don’t think I can pass a background check) or jumping off a cliff (but that is scary) also you could hang yourself with a noose (but I am very nervous about breaking of the neck)

I was prepped, planned, and completely ready to die in the Summer of 2012. I am only here today because I ended up not dying. But it’s the only thing I have ever planned for in my life and the only thing I have ever wanted.

blackxlily 12/15/2019 - 11:01 am

I understand how you feel.
We are going nowhere….everyone….working towards something that will just reset.
I’ve hallucinated successes….things I coveted…..proving I was better than everyone else….
…but it didn’t matter.
It isn’t there anymore.
Then I realized this was just the way always was.
I could never fix anything….so of course you ask why bother….

vue 12/25/2019 - 12:14 am

English is not my primary language so I apologize in advance for instances of bad grammar or poor choice of words.

First of all, you shouldn’t mind the first comment given here. This person is very ill and should clearly not be giving other people advice in any way! Secondly, I just now made this user, only to tell you that you are a reflected, talented and highly intelligent person. It is remarkable to write the way you do, only 15 years old. Im not telling you this in an attempt to cheer you up, but simply because it is an objective truth, you might even be aware of this yourself already. I can relate to what you are going through, and yet I can’t give you any advice on how to combat the feeling of hopelessness and emotional pain. You have to find your own way! But I recognize the fact that you are gifted with the cognitive capability and self reflection required to fight, endure, and maybe even find a permanent way out of suffering. Im not at all saying it will be easy, it will be the battle of/for your life. But know that most people who are struggling aren’t even that privileged to have that possibility, to save themselves. This however may be impossible when the depression is at it’s worst, and in that case you should be focusing on potential desires you could imagine maybe bringing you some happiness in a distant future, just something that makes you able to hold on. When the depression lessen in intensity, this may be a while, but it always does in the end. Then you can make the choice to take action, whatever that means for you. I wish you luck and hope you find peace!

Also, Life != Math 🙂

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