For the past week, I am not feeling myself lately and this is not relatively a new feeling, but this past week has been more aggressive than its ever been and culminating today was the disaster i dont wanna think it is , but dismissing so , would not just be denial but also forthright i donno what, i am at a loss for flowery words, right now the only thought pulsing through my mind, is that i have to end this the quickest way possible i want to jump off a cliff,possibly a tavern, hack my heart with an axe, bleed till i die, but the moment i think i might end up with a botched up whatever suicide attempt, would make me feel worse than the most repulsive beggar in say an eternal time plane., for i dont believe finding beggars on earth repulsive is bad morality, i respect every being on earth equally,that term was just meant to signify my emotional and mental being and state right now, it is as if everything primal , normal and just everything in my life is slipping away from me. Parents of one of the members in my family passed away and another member who i was close too all my childhood is an emotionally stunted adult who might as well hack me to death just by emotionally stunting me sooner or later. He/She is an awesome person though.I am not crying for attention from abuse or anything.That doesnt me lack thereof either.Its like my apocalypse is today.Another person is not going through a good weather either.Its like my whole family is thrown into a shredder and the whole world , even trash who is just good at nothing but cheap and mediocre politics and manipulation is derisively mocking at me, since hey my weather is the worst.
Thoroughly unrelated to the drama , I also kinda like a person whos forbidden sweet, whom i knew only for three months and its been a year and im sure he/shes forgotten all about me, but sometimes i just feel i wanna leave everything and wanna spend the rest of my life wrapped in his/her arms.But I also know,probably that person would probably have forgotten though im sure he/she had a deep mutual emotional connection or was it just a fake skindeep thing and that person might actually find me repulsive in my current state of despair, and anyway he/she could just put me in a stranger bracket and maybe ill never get to even encounter him or her or even if i did never be nearly proximal again, but right now though my current state has nothing to do with a triviality like a boy or a girl fancy,makes me think a life spent in his/her arms would just be enough or even death in his arms with him/her not being indifferent to me would be enough, or
maybe i am using a boy/girl fancy distraction as an escapade to the hellish nightmare i am in right now.
sorry for wasting all your time
and maybe i am a stranger to everyone on earth and i just deserve to hack myself with an axe and bleed myself till i die. Though i know human flesh is not butter but sinew and that process is too violent for not meek but genuine and earnest me. I know reading this, already quite a lot of people are sneering on me, disgusted abt me, thinking i am a loser, but i am not, i have been the toughest and valiant with glorious failures and few contentment which was rationally good. But right now i m kinda in my early to mid twenties and i am scared where life is going, that maybe when im thirty itll just end up being a routine i want to die. and life today now this moment is more excruciating than i could have ever imagined. I wanna die before anything else falls apart. Its life every positive force in my body is soul sucked out of me. Hope im not creating despair by last statement to any reader here.Whatever shit im going through i know u must have urs of ur own magnitude as well, so out of pure love, i want you to know, i am sending love.
If i am dead , please observe one moment of silence for me,
if i end up surviving this, thank you for giving me this platform to write it out now.
Anyway right now its quite schrodingers cat isnt it.