I have depression since I can remember. As a kid went through all sorts of family violence and abuse (being sexual the only exception I think). an alcoholic father, 2 much bigger siblings that used to bull me and beat me real bad sometimes… (It’s ok, I Don’t blame them anymore. I feel like they had their own issues as well…) No one to talk to or ask me what was wrong… Alone at home. Alone at school… Running to uncles and neighbors whenever my dad freaked out and tried to kill my mom, sleeping on couches. Never having a place… feeling like total stranger no matter where, at bat spot, bad time, like a terrible and random accident.
Happens so, I never had a treatment and this brought me a trauma that I carried on to adult life. It damaged me. I should have taken care of myself so much better .. :’/
Every time something wrong happened, I Just felt the trigger… every thing was like life telling me: “what are u doing? You shouldn’t even be here”
I never had a social life. Every single person I met was from college, work and stuff like that. My life was always like talking to cousins, rarely going out, from home to work…
I had some teen and adult short relationships in life, people came and went away, people that I could not really talk to. They wouldn’t understand. I knew the problem was me. Those people just looked beautiful and normal. I’m not a normal human being. Always knowing that nobody would trully understand me, and know what is like to have those Memories that “I shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t have been born” even as little child I asked myself why… Grabbing my dad’s gun and thinking about suicide.
Life went on, but my pains did not get away. With every fall and deception was like life reminding I shouldn’t be here… Wrong spot, worng time, wrong planet, I feel like an extra terrestrial to this very day.. And at the hardest times, the Idea of a rest feels like the most reliable one. Yeah, nobody “out there” really knows how depression is…
I had couple years ago one single person that embraced me as I am. Loved me for what I was. She also didnt have much, no family, she bet all she had on us… I had a chance for a fresh start, but I messed up terribly. I hurt her. I gave her nothing but disappointment. I failed her.
I could have made everything different.
People think about the chance of life, the job of life, the love of life…
I commited the mistake of my life…
I get up and back to bed feeling guilty for what I did.
Well, I’m so tired… I’m done. And I can’t take not having a single ordinary sleep anymore… Or not feeling the taste of food or a good glass of water. I can’t be here anymore.
I only have 2 people in the family that love and care for me, my mother and my sister in law… God, please, forgive me, but I will have to hurt them big, this time though, It is not a mistake. It’s just running out of choices.
Mom, Sand… I’m sorry. I just can’t. I hope you understand.