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i lied… :'(

by DOA

i told my friend that i hope he finds someone. i know he doesnt like being alone. but i dont want to lose him. i have trust issues and abandonment issues. i dont trust anyone. but i trust him. im probably being selfish…..


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shatterediris 2/2/2020 - 8:45 pm

He shouldn’t abandon you just because he started dating a person…. If he does then he kind of sucks :/

404 2/2/2020 - 9:09 pm

He wouldn’t ever leave me. But if he found someone I’d probably leave him because it hurt too much.

I still care about him. I dont want to see him with someone else

ashadow 2/2/2020 - 9:48 pm

This statement here, is entirely selfish. Especially as you are married and even more so if this is the friend you cheated on when together.

shatterediris 2/3/2020 - 12:25 am

Yeah going to agree here…. If you don’t want to date your friend yourself, but will also stop being friends with them if they date somebody then you kind of are the jerk…. He deserves to be able to date a person if he wants to :/ (I’m sorry)

404 2/3/2020 - 3:33 am

This clearly goes to show how little you 2 know about the situation and most likely shouldn’t have commented because of your ignorance

ashadow 2/3/2020 - 7:15 am

Justify it to yourself however you want, the fact remains not wanting to see someone date while you yourself are with someone else is selfish and not actually caring about them.
If it is the person you cheated on, you might see that kind of forgiveness on his part as unconditional love, that his affection is something stable in your life. maybe you care in your own way, but you can’t call it anything less than self centered to not want him with someone simply because you want him focused on you.

ashadow 2/3/2020 - 7:43 am

I will add that this applies only to your comments, as the original post is what you do say to people you care about, love being more than a feeling. But the feeling expressed here I stand by my remarks.

404 2/3/2020 - 7:55 am

Why do you feel the need to come on here and be mean? Didn’t your mother ever teach you that if you have nothing nice to say dont say it at all? Also might I point out you still dont know the situation and therefore have nothing to stand by as it means nothing.

ashadow 2/3/2020 - 9:53 am

It’s natural to get defensive hearing a truth you dislike, but there’s no situation where I’d change my opinion. Good luck with that.

muted 2/3/2020 - 10:05 am

“i told my friend that i hope he finds someone.”

We can’t always help our feelings but we can still usually choose our actions. Yeah wanting him not to be with anyone is selfish but who on this rock doesn’t get selfish feelings? Lot of people get jealous or whatever of their ex so’s new other halves because that something they used to have with their ex was important to them and it can hurt, especially I think if you are someone that has other issues going on like a lot of people here do. Just is what it is, and this place seems like a good place to vent feelings like that to me.

Not that I’m against constructive criticism either, but I feel like that one thing I quoted up top is the important bit here.

404 2/3/2020 - 10:12 am

Defensive I’m not. Just bored by your trolling stupidity.

404 2/3/2020 - 10:15 am

Besides if I was what you said I wouldn’t have lied to him and therefore I am not what you say. Again all your words are meaningless. Why dont you try doing something that matters? And not be a dick

ashadow 2/3/2020 - 10:31 am

This is amusing. The feeling does in fact remains selfish even if you spoke different words, but lie to yourself if it makes you feel better about having emotions you don’t like.

404 2/3/2020 - 10:40 am

I’m not lying to myself about anything. And might I AGAIN point you you dont know the situation so you have no words to say. You can’t have an opinion on something you know nothing about. Maybe educate yourself before you decide to say something again because you’re just proving how stupid you are. Also thanks for not disagreeing that’s you’re a troll and a dick. 🙂

thehusk 2/3/2020 - 10:43 am

It’s entirely normal and natural to have (some) self-centered emotions. What matters is how you handle them. If you tried to sabotage a potential relationship of his then that would be kind of a selfish act. But it doesn’t sound like you did anything like that.

ashadow 2/3/2020 - 10:53 am

I suppose you would have preferred a “rubber-glue” comeback? Bit childish for me, thanks.
Any comments are based on what’s posted. I notice you ignore anyone else agreeing the emotion I’ve been pointing out and solely talking about is, as repeatedly stated, selfish. I won’t pretend it’s anything other than the truth however much you wish to disagree.

404 2/3/2020 - 11:06 am

Actually I can’t help but notice most agree with me. Its only you that has the problem. You know the one that shouldn’t exist BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW THE SITUATION SO WHY DONT YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

ashadow 2/3/2020 - 11:15 am

Two people have agreed
with me saying you not wanting him to be with someone is selfish. They have also agreed with me saying the action you took in the post isn’t.
It’s a public forum, I can comment on here as much as anyone else. Regardless of the situation not wanting someone you aren’t dating to not be with anyone else is not selfless or caring.

404 2/3/2020 - 11:18 am

Yawn. I think its time for you to move along now

404 2/3/2020 - 11:22 am

I really miss when they had that x and then you never had to hear from those annoying assholes that cant accept they know nothing. You know those ones that just have to have the last word and try (but fail) to prove why they are right and everyone else in the world is wrong.

ashadow 2/3/2020 - 11:23 am

You have fun now.

muted 2/3/2020 - 11:54 am

Dunno if I was any of the people people were saying agreed with them but I wasn’t really agreeing with anyone. Just trying to say that people always have a selfish side and I don’t believe that’s wrong on it’s own. Hell, sometimes being selfish can also be selfless, taking care of yourself is doing something for the people that care about you and particularly in this kind of a situation things get complicated.

Sticking around and remaining a friend is great and worth trying personally but what affect would that have on your feelings and state over time? What would that turn into? And the other way around too. Giving and doing things for others is something people do because it makes them feel good in several ways, or often because they gain something from it. It gets weird. Eh, but if it makes someone happy them I’m happy for them. Also jealous of their happy cause I’m not but oh well.

muted 2/3/2020 - 10:53 am

ashadow, your first reply is the first that seemed to raise a stink about those feelings. Why were you so confrontational about it? There’s a lot of different ways you could have brought up the issue besides that way, so I’m just wondering why

ashadow 2/3/2020 - 11:01 am

What you see as confrontational I saw as matter-of-fact. The original post had a question of selfishness, I pointed out a comment that showcased it clearly.

muted 2/3/2020 - 11:31 am

The original post seems to me to be more realization and acknowledgement of that selfishness than question, which your reply comes across to me as confrontational I guess. In that situation I don’t understand why you felt the need to showcase it clearly as you said unless you went in with charged emotions over something that was said, or some kind of perceived subtext that I’m not getting.

Don’t know, I tend to miss things or misunderstand, but I feel like this has turned into something I don’t think is making anyone’s day better and wonder if it’s time for people to walk away and cool off for a bit?

muted 2/3/2020 - 11:35 am

*which is why your reply* doh words went missing again

JitWTL 2/2/2020 - 9:31 pm

Tell him. Maybe he feels the same way.
Just come clean and tell him you lied and you don’t want to be with anybody else.

404 2/3/2020 - 3:39 am

He does feel the same…. we both know how the other feels. It’s just a difficult situation I’ve gotten myself into. Besides, he said he wouldn’t be with me because of my mental disorders making things difficult for me and relationships.

Memento Mori 2/3/2020 - 1:38 pm

404 says “im probably being selfish…..”
Other say, yeah you’re being selfish.
404 bites their heads off.
Spectators laugh.
Carry on.

404 2/3/2020 - 1:59 pm

Did it ever occur to you that it was the way they said it? They didn’t have to be dicks about it and neither do you.

thehusk 2/3/2020 - 2:18 pm

‘Selfish’ is a stigmatizing term. If you tell someone ‘you’re being selfish’ it can imply they’re failing morally. But the expectation that anyone would have purely selfless emotions would be bizarre. That’s not how human minds work. Castigating someone for something they felt is pointless.

So ‘selfish’ could only really be applied to your actions and approach in the real world.

404 2/3/2020 - 2:43 pm

Thank you. Besides I offered to make him a tinder account. Yeah that’s real selfish.

thehusk 2/3/2020 - 4:05 pm

It sounds like you’re trying to do the right thing.

404 2/3/2020 - 4:23 pm

its not that i dont want him to be with someone else. i want him to be happy. i just wish i was in a different situation so that i could be with him and honestly he wishes the same. but he also knows that i fucked up my life so badly that “us” is unlikely. i keep suggesting to him that he should just forget me and move on with life but……well last night he said “Cause i can’t just forget someone like you. Someone special like that…” it made me happy that he felt that way but hurt at the same time because……idk how to put it into words

theagonyandtheecstasy_ 2/8/2020 - 8:05 pm

Are you and your husband okay?
You haven’t mentioned him as much as you used to.
I always felt like when things went bad with you two, you’d cling to a vice of some sort to pull you through.
You always hurt yourself in the process of feeling good about the hell you’re living in.
Im not sure about how your marriage is going.. Or how it might play in…
And maybe you cling to people easier than most,
But do you think it’s possible, that since more and more pain has recently happened, that you’re coping by clinging to this person more than you would had you not felt constantly rejected by your husband? As a way of feeling some type of unconditional love that you long for so much but cant seem to grasp?
Lol maybe Im seeing it wrongly.
I feel for you when I read your words, the turning to drinking and drugs and a feeling of escape. Youre a kind person. Idk.

theagonyandtheecstasy_ 2/8/2020 - 8:06 pm

I’m not against you, here. You arent, as a whole, a horrible person. You’re on your own path and people should respect it as it is. Lol

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