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Not Knowing Is Half The Battle

by J Doe

GI JOE. Yeah it’s a pun. I don’t know why I felt like starting it that way. I’m still talking to her. At least I’m trying to. I know I said I have to accept that she doesn’t want to hear from me last post, but I’m really stubborn. I can’t really get that concept through my head. She was just in a bad place. Actually when I don’t hear from her from long periods of time she’s in a bad place. I know she’s trying her best. She has her problems. I don’t want to get into it because it’s not my place. But she has health issues that make it so she shuts people out. I don’t think she’s misleading me. Sometimes I don’t think that. Other times I think she’s too nice to hurt my feelings and really just wants me to stop talking to her. She can’t say it to my face. Or text that. We are a country apart. I haven’t seen her physically for almost 3 years. I keep asking if we can meet up when we are both back home at the same time. She keeps saying yes, but things keep happening. When she’s there, I’m not. When I’m there, she’s not. It’s been a week and a half since I’ve heard from her. It’s not that long in retrospect, but I think I have an issue with being clingy. I’ve apologized for that, but she says I’m not being clingy. Again it’s hard to tell if she’s telling the truth. I feel bad for doubting her. I know I keep telling her I’ll always be there for her and that I know things are hard for her. But when I just stop hearing from her from all of a sudden for weeks at a time, it gets hard. Yet I’m stubborn. I keep trying to text and call. I keep thinking about her. I keep hoping and begging the world that she responds and I hear her voice again. I’ve decided to tell her about my feelings. I keep telling myself that I should just stop overthinking it and just do it. But I want to do it to her face. I want to look her in the eye and say it. I don’t want to do it through text or phone call. I don’t want to give myself the option of running away. I want to stand my ground and say it. And I want to hear with my own ears and see with my own eyes when she says she doesn’t feel the same. I just hope me telling her doesn’t make things harder for her and that we end up not being friends anymore.

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