im tired of hearing it. its posted all over songs, quotes, you name it. time and time again i read about how something helped someone not commit. and dont get me wrong im glad they are in a better place. but on a personal level its annoying. because everything just makes me worse. the stuff that is suppose to “help” does nothing. im mentally deteriorating. going insane. my disassociation has me living in a fantasy world more often then not. im not even sure what the real world is and yet somehow i interact with people on a daily basis like nothing is wrong. although i have a feeling im not doing it right. i cant tell. how much longer do i have wait until there is no sign of reality left? until i am completely living in my mind.
anyway i have to go see what they want to drug me with next considering the risperidone just speed the insanity process up because f*ck disassociation it doesnt like mood stabilizers. ill update this post when i get back im sure ill have something to be unhappy about.
update: i am now on Olanzapine. YAY ME! oh an update on my “friend” i broke down and messaged him. then i deleted it. he came back with “Hey, I hope you’re doing ok, I’m guessing not so good considering the deleted messages… maybe I’m just thinking too much, but then again you haven’t been talking to me… idk, anyway I hope you’re doing ok, here are some hugs in case it’s not (and 14-15 hug emojis i lost count)” so i messaged him saying i had a doctors appointment but if he wanted me to i could message him when i get home. hes like “whatever is good for you (hug emoji)” so i say hey and turns out he was soooo concerned about me that instead of checking in on me and seeing whats up like “oh you know nothing much just bashing my head off windows and ripping my hair out” (that literally happened the other day) he decided to play a video game instead. like yeah thnx seems like you really care. so i guess my feelings dont matter anymore he decided for me.