stopping to ask myself why i can suddenly stop after laughing to other people’s jokes, and there i realized that i’ve been completely joyless, i find comfort and relief in pleasant things, i “enjoy” them in a way, but i don’t feel happy, i can’t bring myself to raise my energy on anything. i’m recording this for me to read later, i think writing this down might help me destress. but i don’t feel the stress, i can’t feel stressed anymore, all there is is fear of what’s up to come, the consequences if i don’t get something done, or if i’ll make a choice that will change things up forever. i don’t want to sleep, i don’t want to face the morning, i don’t want to see the happy faces of people surrounding me, everything feels strange, as if they’re stripping away from reality, or my body and memories are rejecting me. waking up and feeling my identity and responsibilities again, just being alive, seeing this person i hate with every last bit of my heart, i’ve been burning out.
the human race isn’t going to shit, it’s just us.people are so aggressive towards everything else sometimes, it’s almost like they find joy in seeing other people suffer, maybe they do.i wish people had a complete set of morals. kind, innocent people don’t and shouldn’t have to live up the consequences of the mistakes of others, i’m not talking about myself, but i hold hope in the world, humanity, i love this world, just not me, not anything about me or surrounding me.
is having suicidal thoughts 50 times a day a part of growing up? it’s normal isn’t it, everyone struggles with these things, i shouldn’t feel special, i shouldn’t complain.i’m incapable of being human.
it’s so strange, suddenly i see my hands moving and i don’t feel like they’re my hands, as if my brain is defamiliarizing every part of the world, including this body, to me. i’ll only feel this way in one night. every day i think about ways to leave, what’s upcoming, the heart’s i’ll break, the tears, traumas to other people, i don’t want to be seen or to make any sort of impact to the world. again, again and over again, i think about myself and everything that proved my existence or consciousness to disappear, people’s memories of me. i keep on trying to seek the value in myself from others, it’s almost getting fucked up. i’m unable to see myself out of a toxic relationship of some sort, it’s almost like i prefer it.i only talk like this on this website, here i can drop down the characters i’ve been setting myself up as. well, not really, since i just deleted that chunk of personal things. i’m still trying to talk in the right way so people wouldn’t get angry at me, guess you can’t run from everything, hm? you only feel the same things for so long, and i’ll only be like this for tonight, it’s going to be over soon. it’s almost like i’m getting hugged by the air.
to feel loved without guilt. to feel loved, to be loved, to love, i don’t understand. am i too spoiled or self centered? it’s normal for people to go on without love, right? the hollowness is swallowing me from the inside, the pressure from the throat to my chest, the terrible feeling of being alone, for years, staying quiet and taking the blame, only to be bent more and more. i can’t see the value in me anymore, the hatred i hold for myself just for hearing the thoughts in my head. it’s normal isn’t it? for people to live on without comfort. it’s too much to ask for, but at least i want to have someone to tell me if i’m still worth something. they can beat me up, hurt me, whatever afterwards, i just want to feel loved, no matter the consequences. i feel a part mature and a part child, the memories never went away, the beaches and humid air in the summer, mosquitoes and the waves of air conditioning and the scent of dust, spicy snacks, or the polluted sky
i’m too tired to cry