It’s been years since the last time I’ve been here.

I don’t think I’ve attempted a single time since. These few years I’ve been working on me. Working and not much else. People say I’ve come a long way since years ago and that may be true but nothing has changed in my eyes. I have nothing to live for and nothing I’m passionate about. I don’t want to just live for me. Can’t seem to program my brain that way. I’m always so frustrated over the way I am as a person and can’t stand it. I don’t think I know who I am. I want things I can’t have.  I care about things I don’t want to care about. I don’t want to do this anymore.

I feel I haven’t attempted in so long cause I tried so many times and have become tired of trying and then going threw the process that follows. The OD symptoms, the hospitals, the environment that comes with that…. it became old. But years of moving forward I’m slowing down again more than ever. The only thing keeping me from doing it is my so called “reputation.” I don’t want to fail and people know that I tried. My new professional life and all the people I’ve met in that life. I used to be absolutely nobody. Now I’m a nobody people know of. If I do this…. I have to do it right. I believe I can. It’s all about being in that mindset. I’m always so close but not enough. Just a little deeper….. guess that means I can handle a little more. I suppose that’s my cycle. It’s torture.