I haven’t left my house for about six days. I was never the outdoorsy type, but this whole Coronavirus situation makes me feel like an animal in a cage. I’m losing my will to do anything productive. A new day comes and all I want to do is sleep. Suicidal thoughts come in more frequently. I didn’t have a reason to live before, why would I have one now? I feel my worse at night, and crying myself to sleep has become the norm. I try to tell myself people have it far worse than me. But knowing that it just makes me hate myself even more. I get into the thought process off “There’s probably a million people out there ten times better than me who are suffering way more, why do I deserve this and they don’t.” A pointless thought process, but I feel if I constantly tell myself I don’t deserve anything I’ve been given, I’ll never become entitled. That’s the plan at least.
And maybe we’re all suffering, but most people have some inkling of what they want to do in spite of that suffering to keep going. Some people have a use, or something kind of purpose. I don’t. And my family can say they love me and would be crushed if I was gone, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m just dead weight in their lives. Maybe it just took this virus for me to fully realize I was a lost cause my friends and family tried their damndest to put their faith in.
I think I’m going to pack it in soon. I already set a deadline before, but times have changed. I can’t be a burden to them any longer. Whether this makes them happy or not, I think this is for the best. One less mouth to feed, one less liability to pour their resources into in a time where the grocery stores are being raided. If I can’t help them alive, then I’m better to them dead.