2 Problems

Lately I’ve only been concerned about two problems. My meaning and the fear of being useless and this whole situation with being ghosted. It’s kinda frustrating to be only concerned with two things day in and day out. The first problem is very broad and kind of vague, but it is something that occupies my mind from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. Every step of the way, I feel like this useless nothing and that nothing I do has any meaning. It’s kind of tiring really. The problem I think I have the most with all of this is that I think about suicide a lot but I know that I don’t really have the guts(?) drive(?) what ever it is to really do it. I think that about it, but it just seems like another one of my day dream delusions. The other thing that I think of if I’m not thinking about that weird existentialism problem, is about this whole situation with her. It must be very weird for her, given that I told her about this place and that she knows who I am on here. She once told me that she still reads it, but I also kind of doubt that it is very often, considering that she has her own problems that she is probably more worried about. However, on the off chance that she does come by here every now and again, it must be fucking disturbing for her to read about all the times I write about her on here. When I first told her about this place and she read some of it, she asked me if it was ok for her to be here considering some of the things I write about on here. I told her that I knew what I was showing her and that I trusted her. She was a bit surprised by that answer. Now I think that maybe she might regret that. I don’t think anyone enjoys reading about themselves, especially when it concerns this weird circumstances. But I also told myself that I wasn’t going to stop saying what was on my mind just because someone was watching. I want to keep writing whatever comes to my head. However, I would be lying if I said it hasn’t effected how I write in some form. I think that I choose my words more carefully, but I still try to get my main message across. I don’t want to appear a certain way in front of her, but I still want to have this space as a way to just empty out my head, even if the contents of my head aren’t that great to look at. Oh well, like I said, she probably doesn’t even read this place that much. Hell maybe she’s trying to completely avoid anything to do with me and never wants to be here again. It’s hard to say considering how hard it is to actually say what’s on my mind and ask the questions I really want to ask whenever I speak to her. Whenever I used to speak to her. God I miss talking to her.