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by _loser_

I’m in the position a lot of you wish you were in. The point where it gets easier. The point where suicide is actually in sight. As one approaches the act of suicide they start to hear voices in their head antagonizing them. I’m not relating that as my personal experience. Scientifically speaking, that’s what almost always happens.

Once or twice, awhile back, I actually heard the voices in my head. I immediately suppressed them, but I take a slight comfort knowing they’re there and if I wanted I could slip back into that state again and cultivate those voices by engaging with them instead.

I’ve been to this site before. Its incredibly toxic and someplace I’d never consider visiting if I weren’t in the situation I’m in.

I saw my 14 year old half brother beat my 3 year old sister to death when I was the same age. I have Somatoform Dissociation and non-epileptic psychogenic seizures from trauma. I’m here because I make audible speech without being aware of it. It’s constant. I’m constantly speaking my thoughts out loud without realizing it. But I know I do it. I’ve therefore isolated myself and cut myself off from any and all friends and family. This has made my life a living hell. I can go outside. I can’t talk to people without holding water in my mouth or else they will hear me. I don’t want people hearing my thoughts. This has driven me crazy. Please kill me. Just kill me. End it. This is a sick joke. I haven’t been able to live my life since that day. No since the day I found out. Do you have any idea how it feels to have people see inside of your head?

I also go places without realizing it in a highly suggestion state and talk to them in a sort of quasi altered personality type way. I repeat the things I’ve heard as if they are my own thoughts and speak my abstract thoughts as if they are my opinions. People think its cool to laugh at me.

The thing is, its not that there are gaps in my memory. I don’t REMEMBER the gaps. How is that even possible? The only reason I can even write this is because I’m on drugs right now. I also go online under different personalities and say random shit. I often find old comments with morons arguing with my altered states.

Please kill me. I’ve had enough. This isn’t funny anymore. It was never funny to begin with. This isn’t life.

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Abnormal.Thoughts 4/9/2020 - 9:20 am

I am not going to pretend to know how you feelafter going through all of that, I imagine it’s extremely difficult to cope with daily. I wish I could take the burden from you for a short while so I could stop smothering my own thoughts and let someone really see inside my head, so they could maybe help. Maybe it is something you could use to your advantage in therapy.

The voices, they can be comforting, right up until you can’t shut them off, when they are so loud you can’t hear or see anything else. With those voices though, it doesn’t make it easier to figuratively pull the trigger, we are wired to live even if we desire to die.

This site is maybe toxic, for me, I like to read others stories to remind me I’m not alone, I’m not the only crazy person in the world. I like that it’s unfiltered, so many sites and stories have to follow guidelines of not focusing on the negative and showing there is hope, and yet somehow that makes me feel more hopeless because it seems so out of reach.

Anyways, I’m just rambling in response to your post here, I wish you the best, do the things that help you and thank you for sharing.

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