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by Once

“They” say to write things down.

My limits are being tested.  I don’t appreciate change, in fact, even though I know it’s beneficial and unavoidable, it just completely sucks.  This year…this last year, since May 2019, this is officially one of the worst.  I suppose that right about now many of us are saying that.

And yet where is the logic in waiting?  In staying?  What does tomorrow hold that will be meaningful and relevant, and that is worth staying around for?  This …. life.  This series of twenty four hour cycles during which I breathe and accomplish.  Accomplish what?  Enough so that my little chunk of cheese provides for me for one more week?  Then, we do it all over again.  Why?

I want so much to pour out all the minute details of the past month on this page….some of these details are identical for most of us – lockdown and isolation and too much damn time on our hands.  But “they” also say “When it rains, it pours.”  I’m soaking wet right now, and can’t find my way out of the rain.  Sure, I suppose it’ll stop at some point.  The sun will come out, the ground will dry, and life will be roses again.  Times like this make me hate roses.

Everything is you, little buddy.  Everything is a flash of your face, your life.  Except, you’re not here, mixed in with me and all the “everything”, buddy, you’re where I want to be…you’re “over there…”

I read in the news of the death of Dr. Lorna Breen, an emergency room physician in New York.  No history of mental illness, according to family, and yet this Sunday, she ended her life.  Her father, also a doctor, said that she spoke of situations in the hospital during this pandemic that were extremely stressful.  He said that “she was doing her job, and it killed her.”  I am basking in this story, and while that may sound rude or inappropriate, you see….I see this woman in a light that many wont.  She is “over there.”  She has done what I spend most of my waking hours dreaming, fantasizing about doing.  She had the courage to make a decision and follow through on a plan that would result in her death, and she did it.  She did it.  She, in whatever form she now takes, if any, “knows.”   She knows what happens at and after the moment of physical death.  She is either existing in another realm, plane, dimension, whatever you want to call it, or she is not.  As are that man in Ecuador who, just forty eight seconds ago, passed away from  corona virus complications, that woman in Cookeville, Tennessee who just succumbed to cancer two hours and seventeen minutes ago, Kobe Bryant and Mother Teresa.   I do not rejoice in the death of Dr. Breen.  I envy her.  I want what she has.  Right now, I want the courage and the determination to do what she did.  I am tired of the pointless today’s and tomorrows.  I am tired of the systems and the processes and the stupidity that turn on my lights and provide me all I can consume.  “Civilization” has taken our civility and smashed it on the ground like a billion glass balls.

Someone, somewhere, in all this media coverage of this pandemic, said “Why would we all possibly want a return to normal?”  It made me stop and think….what we have come to accept as normal.  We will twist and contort and mangle ourselves to achieve some ethereal, misty ideal, even though the damage we are doing to our spirits and souls is irreparable.  But achieving that ideal…living that lie, propagating that stereotype, bullying your way to dominion all others be damned…that is our “normal?”   That is the ideal, the goal, I am supposed to strive for for the rest of my days?  To continue lining the pockets of …

Best to not finish that sentence.  Pointless ramblings of a pointless person.

My little buddy, I’ll be writing again soon.  “They” say I need to write to you, and ask you for help grieving.  “They” say our reunion will be whatever I want it to be, “they” say that it is a proven scientific fact that energy cannot be eliminated, it can only change form.  “They” are implying we might see, experience, one another again.  “They” are well intentioned, and “they” are either right, or wrong.  You were my all.  You were my world.  You were my soul.  I swear….haven’t I dried up and died in the past six months?  Who am I anymore?  I don’t recognize myself.  I’m a total asshole.  People and their problems….who cares?  I died with you, buddy.  The only real difference is my body doesn’t have the sense to stop.  I miss you.

7 comments
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7 comments

DOA 4/29/2020 - 7:33 pm

This post reminded me of what I’ve been thinking lately. Something along the same idea.

I’ve been wondering why people “live”. And for what. Ok let’s say they have a loving family and whatnot and let’s say for the first maybe even second generation their house and personal belongings are all taken care of. But realistically how long is that gonna last? Are they family? Yeah but you don’t know them. It’s like my father last week told me my grandfather died. I’m emotionless to the subject. I didn’t know the guy. And you’re belongings aren’t going to have the same meaning to your family that they do you so they aren’t going to keep it. We work so hard to “live” just so our own flesh and blood can tear down what we worked years on to build. Why? For what purpose?

Once 4/29/2020 - 10:05 pm

I dont know, DOA. I don’t kow. We “live” because biology happens, and *POOF* here we are. Beyond that, we are all responding to some bizarre genetic code that tells us not to die, that life is sacred and highly relevant….

The same way ants build and maintain colonies. It’s a preprogrammed response that plays out after conception and ends at death. And death can’t arrive soon enough.

LoveDogs 4/29/2020 - 8:49 pm

Your little Buddy loved you and would want you to be happy when he was gone.
I know it sounds simplistic, but can you try and be happy for Buddy??
I also echo what “they” say. Hang in there!!

Once 4/29/2020 - 10:07 pm

LoveDogs, thank you, again. I’m trying. I’m doing the things “they” say to do…its just hard.

hope432 4/30/2020 - 5:42 am

Yes @Once, without meaning life is unbearable. Without love, life is unbearable. Without peace life can be unbearable. I know. I was there.

And I don’t say I found complete peace. I still visit this website after all (by the way, what I am supposed to do even if I don’t feel suicidal anymore? Talk to “normal people”?).

So, what to live for? If you belong to the white race like me, are American or European or Canadian, yes you desperately seek a meaning in your life. The same do I.

But take a look at the religion called ‘Buddhism’. Those people who practice this religion (at least most of them!) can attain levels of undreamed peace and even happiness. Did they find meaning in their lives? No!

They don’t even believe in God or the Devil although they perceive the gods as existing as some sort of potential but for them it’s not important.

They don’t even want to go to some Heaven while they try to avoid Hell.

Everything is Samsara, conditioned, fleeting and unimportant in the end… everything which belongs to the conditioned realms where nothing is eternal, everything perishes…

Now, what do you feel inside? Mostly the depression and emptiness… and of course you are not satisfied because life on this earth although a Heaven for some, it’s Hell for many others!

So, don’t blame yourself for being ‘weaker’ than others and contemplating suicide because the ‘strong’ will one day become the ‘weak’ and so on.

Don’t look down on yourself… for as you realize, everything is unimportant. I don’t say everything is meaningless! This is a huge difference.

And no, suicide…. does not solve your problem. Do you think you have the right to put an end to misery in this way? I don’t say you don’t have this right! After all, a lot of people do use this power and do commit suicide in the end. But do you think this is all that life can offer? A miserable existence for many and a paradise for some with the possibility to end your life if the misery is unbearable?

I have always thought (at least most of the time) that LIFE can offer much more!

But of course, life on earth is as you already know… very hard for most people.

So, this is why humanity were given so many religions and philosophies and also many other gifts such as a true music, the magic of herbal remedies, different types of pleasures and little hobbies (for example, I enjoyed smoking a few cigarettes per day, although I gave up smoking in the end or reading inspiring books about near death experiences and angels).

There is so much to do… only if you could lift up your head from the clouds of depression and truly see the sun and enjoy nature again.

And remember, I really don’t blame anyone for contemplating suicide because I know life how hard it can be and I was there….

You need to find something, to make peace inside you.

Once 4/30/2020 - 11:14 am

Thank you for your comment Hope.

Everyone has a limit. I’ve lived through many phases of life that involved spiritual/religious awareness. Today, I have learned that they have helped to some extent, but they have solved nothing. They have provided insights and clues, some helpful ideas and practices here and there, but nothing more. Here we all are, piled in, on, and around each other, victims of our parents choices, looking for love, and answers. I used to feel that optimism and happiness would always triumph, that they could help clear a way through the darkness, but right now, I just don’t care. How hard are we supposed to struggle? How much should we “pretend”, pasting fake smiles on our faces and denying the existence of our recurring pain, writing it off as a “transient thought ” that does not define us? When sadness is your constant companion, everything else begins to feel like a lie after a while.

Thanks for commenting, Hope.

hope432 4/30/2020 - 4:16 pm

I know @Once… I know what you mean.

Today I felt happy. I meditated. I developed my own meditation and few people realize how far I’ve evolved in a spiritual sense. But I still have my bad days and I also wonder: why so much suffering? why so much horror?

Is there a meaning in our evolution through great suffering?

You know… I don’t really care anymore about such questions. I simply live no matter what. And life is peaceful and full of meaning sometimes and very interesting indeed….

why to commit suicide? does this really put an end to our suffering? In fact, this is an irrational choice and not wise at all. Even if anihilation was possible (which is contrary to every religion on earth and it’s embraced only by atheism as far as I know) why to choose annihilation? If you don’t know what a life absent of pain is like how do you know that suicide could really bring annihilation? And why do you think that annihilation means no pain?

Have you ever dreamed that you don’t exist and have no feeling?

For example, I had a dream where I felt very little but I still had a weird feeling. And it was a bad feeling.

Once I had a nightmare about someone who may had committed suicide. I never saw so much misery in my life. If there was some truth in that dream about his fate, I know for sure that I don’t desire suicide to anyone, even to my worst enemy.

There are also near death experience like the one experienced by Angie Fenimore.

Yes, it’s so hard to accept life sometimes…. especially if you feel a void inside you… if you don’t experience true love….

I hope you will experience so much love and peace one day that you will think that life is worth living and you will forget your pain.

I will tell you one secret. After we experience true love, we always forget our pains. And we are also wiser than before. I know for sure.

Anyway, I don’t judge you for your desires of suicide… of not wanting to bear anymore…. Most spiritual people tell others that suicide is wrong without considering what those people pass through. I also think it’s “wrong” but I totally understand those desires and I know hard is these days to build a normal and fulfilled life.

Only a miracle could save humanity. But we are more loved than we could ever imagine. I know for sure.

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