I am watching a semi pro football game. A player who caught a pass turned to his opponent, in hot pursuit to tackle him, and lifted his arm and extended his middle finger towards him before successfully evading him. Pro sports, testosterone fueled athletes caught up in the heat of competition, maybe there is “bad blood” between the teams…whatever. Just that easily, he said “Fuck you” to the other player. He is not representative of all athletes, there are many respectful, professional men and women playing at all different levels. What struck me in his action was the human-ness of it – the split second […]
If we could talk again…
I’d tell you how much I enjoyed your company on our daily rides. I’d make the robot noises you enjoyed so much…I’d revel in your laugh, bathe in the joy you radiated as you howled with laughter as I pretended to be a …. how did you say it – “wobot?” I’d bring you snacks, and watch as you scrambled to hide them, so your staff wouldn’t find them, planning to feast on them once you were alone. I’d take your frail hand and arm and guide you down out of the bus, and walk you to your front door, and […]
May 1. Another anniversary. Three years ago, my boy left. He was my cat, my best friend, my only love. Hooks. We had seven wonderful years together, and the three since he left seem like a dark, empty eternity. I’m changed, stagnant and uncaring. The world is a different place, a banal predictable circus overrun by human monkeys. Where is decency? Where is compassion, where is consideration in this violent atmosphere? Where is the respect we all want ,yet refuse to give, as we shake our heads […]
Decide for yourself. I’m only stating facts.
I lost my beloved cat in 2019, and recovery is slow in coming. He was my child, not just a cat. He was my world. This year has been difficult because I’ve been facing this situation clean and sober for the first time since his death. Drugs and alcohol only delay grief, they don’t deflect it. When I got clean in February of last year, the pain was sitting there, patiently waiting for me, it’s job to make me wish, beg and pray for death daily this past year. I’ve been seeing a therapist to help process the grief. […]
I’ve been on a journey of recovery, so to speak, for a while now. Part of the experience is journaling. Todays entry, as it is scribbled in my small notebook.
Dec 24 2021
Well. Christmas Eve tonight. I went to Eva’s and Brad’s house. I met Lee, Mark and Amber, Em, Jon, Steve, and Pepper, the family dog. We ate brisket, and various side dishes while christmas music played on a stereo. The atmosphere was friendly and happy. I learned that Amber had a run in with a lady at a laundromat. She tried to utilize new found principles of decency to remain calm. I learned that […]
…goodbyes.
Take care, Ayla. Best of luck.
It’s that time of year, the days are getting shorter, the nights are getting colder, the leaves are changing color. How fortunate to have eyes to see the show.
Yowza. Tonight’s sunset.
https://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/Anthony-2-btr.m4a
The days are growing shorter. September is hours away, and this morning I wore a light jacket in the morning. I used to look forward to summers transition to fall, this year…well, it’s going to happen, so what’s it matter what I think? The state fair is in full swing, and living as close as I do to the fairgrounds, I can hear, off in the distance, the sounds of whatever band is playing tonight…you know the sound of a concert that’s already started as […]
I’m stumbling along blind. There is no visible answer, so all I can do is ask “What do you expect of me? What am I to do?” There is just nothing else. I surrender.
“Suicide is selfish. It creates so much pain for those left behind.”
…yet noone speaks to the arrogant selfishness of those who choose to reproduce and create so many fucked up humans. Where’s the outcry about that brand of selfishness? I guess it’s overlooked in all the cute baby pictures and other crap. This species and all its crap…the universe will be a better place after we eradicate ourselves.
Life has become two dimensional, for lack of a better term. Its surreal and dreamlike. I definitely feel like I’m just going through the motions with no sense of purpose or direction. I recite this affirmation – ” I am guided in my every step by spirit who leads me to what I must know and do.” I’m pretty sure I believe it, maybe its because I’ve seen evidence of positive change in the past when I put my mind to creating it. But then again maybe its only me thats been responsible for it, by my actions. Regardless. Whatever. Well, its time to clock […]
…is to not reproduce. Some lucky human or humans will never have to endure this crap. “Oh but think of all the joy and beauty and life and love they’re going to miss…”
Ahhh shut up.
Good morning. To anyone…
(how sad. but hey.)
It seems that approaching a plan of healing involves believing you “deserve” it. So how do you heal when you approach life from a place of subservience and subjugation, self loathing and worthlessness? Oh, I see…you just fix all that, THEN the healing begins. Ok.
This is a nothing post. I have no point here. I am dealing with borderline over the top anxiety today, and as usual, am alone, so I am talking to the world through my fucking keyboard. I’ve been on lithium and mirtazipine since April, and I think I’m having a reaction to it. I just upped the lithium at the beginning of May, and have been dealing with anxiety that is more than just coincidental. I am going to titrate off the mirtazipine gradually, and am planning to begin experimenting with broad spectrum cbd as an anxiety treatment. I’ve used full spectrum cbd and smoked […]
This is Anthony. He hangs out at the park and bangs his drums.
https://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Anthony-4.m4a
Screw the world, bunch of pinhead motherf*ckers running this show.
Mass shootings. Inflation. Cyber attacks, corruption, racism…fossil fuel, global warming…assault rifles, and oh yeah – fucking COVID – conflicting mask guidelines, “Karens”, Instagram, Facebook and Twitface, boo yah… Space Force, Hamas and harass and harangue and hate…bullying, beastiality, baseball…murder hornets and pick your poison from the six o’clock news horror show…
I don’t know. I don’t care. Listening to this cat was the […]
She and I work for a large grocery store chain. One of the biggest on the planet. She is easily 35 years younger than me, if not more. I would describe her as quirky and withdrawn. She mumbles, and moves slowly. She is an amazingly talented artist. I’ve seen her working on drawings and sketches in the breakroom during lunch. Im always fascinated by people who can draw, since I suck at it and would love to have the talent, and have complimented her work once or twice. Her face lit up with a smile both times. Yesterday, we were outside loading groceries into a […]
Its been a while since I last posted. I visit the site once or twice a week lately, but don’t stay very long…unsure why. Many of you have shown concern for me…I am surprised by this, I would’ve never guessed people would do this. I don’t see myself as the type others would think about. Anyhow. Thank you for this, it makes me feel…human? Better? Alive? Please know I’m grateful, Idfk Anymore.
A lot has happened since my last post March 28th. I wrote that post as I was sitting in the emergency room, having been remanded into custody by a counselor I’d been seeing weekly […]
I am still alive, and feeling extremely awkward. For fifteen hours last Tuesday into early Wednesday, I sat with my g*n in hand, and couldn’t pull the trigger. I ended up at a local park with several cop cars there as they talked me down. I had to surrender my g*n to the police. Several posters commented on what I thought would be my final post, and I haven’t been able to post anything until today. Thank you for your comments….I don’t know what to say, other than I thought I was ready to die, but clearly I wasnt. Life is awkward and strange, and […]
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