rope pyramid

from what i could remember, it happened during the spring break, when my mother found the receipt of a dress in my father’s suitcase. the dress wasn’t a gift for my mother, in the end, until this day i still don’t know about the full story——i don’t want to know

i was in grade 6.

this is not the event that made everything go wrong, it’s just a small piece of everything that happened, but i don’t want to forget about it, even though sometimes it feels like that the past doesn’t exist, as if my memories were just planted into my brain seconds ago.

my mother and i get in fights way too often, ever since i was little. i was mostly the one at fault, because i was, still is, such a pice of shit. when i heard the arguments from upstairs, the sound of my mother yelling at my father, the first emotion i felt wasn’t sadness, i can’t recall what, but it was overwhelming. i thought, finally i’m not the one causing the conflict, and i didn’t want to stay in the house,  so i left.

they were yelling at each other, the memory feels surreal even now, i forgot how i reacted then, i still can’t understand my own feelings, even to this day,

my house is one block away from the elementary i went to, i was wearing a white pajama dress, with an all-over cherry print, and i just thought i need to be further away from the voices of my parents, as if then the conflict’ll disappear. it was strange, i couldn’t recall if i cried, but i do cry often, so i probably did. i remember seeing crows, a few of them, slowly, carelessly walking alongside of the road, i wanted to kill one with a rock, and of course i failed. it was a cold day, cloudy, i went to the playground of that elementary, climbed to the top of the rope pyramid, and thought, if anyone comes (as in my mother and father, but i was expecting my father since my mother goes hysterical at situations like these), i would jump down.

i experienced the “emo” phase earlier than most people, starting at grade 4, to the end of grade 7, i would talk about wanting to die and other stuff often, because it was cool. i forgot if i actually wanted to die then, i possibly did at times but most of the times i was just saying it to be special, but on the top of that rope pyramid the will to die was real, the funny thing is, even if i jumped then, i probably wouldn’t die, because the playground was covered in soft wood chips and i wasn’t up high enough.

i didn’t jump because nobody came. i was wearing a dress, after about one and a half hour later i thought i need to go back, because i couldn’t stand the cold. when i previously wrote about my memory, i included a lot of visuals, but i guess for this there wasn’t anything special, the sky was gray, i was in pajamas crying on top of a playground, that’s it. i didn’t want to go back, so i stayed in the backyard for a bit, then i knocked on the backdoor, my father saw me through the glass and opened the door for me, i guess they were fighting too much no notice that i was gone for 3 or so hours.

i don’t know, i don’t know why i’m sharing this. my parents didn’t argue often back then, they were fairly respectful and things were just..normal, they were. i don’t know what can be defined as a trauma, but i remember seeing my mother crawling under a bed, the bed that’s beside me right now, it was all dark, my dad was saying something while she cries, it was all dark and all i could hear was that and the song she played on her phone, the melody still fucks my head up. i don’t know why i’m sharing this, it isn’t even that important, but recently i’ve been thinking about it a lot, so i might as well write it out. it’s just a little thing that happened in the past, but when i hear that song, it still gives me goosebumps.

the lyrics of that song were in chinese. it’s a nice song, but i hate it, i hate it i hate it i hate it, i can’t stand the melody, hearing that song is the equivalent of knowing that my mother’s having another breakdown, but i still listen to it occasionally just to torture myself, i don’t know why, this is stupid, isn’t it?

here are the lyrics to that song, she used to listen to it all the time.

Friend, please don’t cry! 

Is there a window that can help me from desperation
Take a look at the colorful world that is only just a dream
Some people cry, others laugh; some getting lost, others getting old
At the end, it is still just the same!

Is there a kind of love that won’t hurt you
How much accumulates to intimate you so far
Which drunkeness won’t you wake up from; what type of pain won’t let you forget
Moving forward must not include looking back again…

Friend, please don’t cry! I am still your heart destination (meaning I still welcome you.)
Friend, please don’t cry! You have to believe in your decision
There are too many silly lost chases around the world (meaning you don’t really know what you are chasing.)
I can feel your painful heart…

Friend, please don’t cry! I’ve always been in the deepest of your heart
Friend, please don’t cry! I will accompany you, so that you won’t feel lonely
It is so so rare to have a really true friend among the crowd of the crowd
Thus, you can just ignore this (difficult) situation now……

…

Friend, please don’t cry! I am still your heart destination (meaning I still welcome you.)
Friend, please don’t cry! You have to believe in your decision
There are too many silly lost chases around the world (meaning you don’t really know what you are chasing.)
I can feel your painful heart…

Friend, please don’t cry! I’ve always been in the deepest of your heart
Friend, please don’t cry! I will accompany you, so that you won’t feel lonely
It is so so rare to have a really true friend among the crowd of the crowd
Thus, you can just ignore this (difficult) situation now……