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Almost suicide

by Friday

I’ve tries to attempt suicide so many times I’ve lost count, but they never worked. about a month ago I deiced to take a whole bottle of pills my doctor gave me for my insomnia. At first I just felt high so I just laid there on my bed and listened to music and I could feel myself stop breathing but I started again. I get up went to the closet and throwing up. and let me remind you all this was before school, so I’m coming down stairs and I cant keep my balance at all so I just tried to play it off. in my head I’m thinking okay its just gonna feel like I’m high all day ill be fine. I get in the can and my stomach starts to hurt so bad and I start coughing and every time coughed I couldn’t breath and my sister call home and said it sounded like I couldn’t breath but I insisted I was fine and went to school. I got out the car and I was walking like I was drunk but I played it off and as soon as I got in school I laid on the bleachers and I just started throwing up and it was like my mind was gone. i started to choke and my friends got worried and called the principle and my memory got so bad every time i opened my mouth I forgot what I was about to say. and when I looked in the mirror I was pail and you could see all of my veins. every time I looked up I found that my mind slipped and I dosed off for a whole ten minutes. I was extremely sleepy and my breath was short I was scared that if I went to sleep I wouldn’t wake up again. I started to shake involuntarily so I tired to hide it but it wouldn’t work. I’m going to stop here but till this day I think there’s something wrong with me because I miss the feeling of almost being on the verge of death and not being able to breath, I even tired it again, I feel like I’m addicted to wanting to hurt myself but I’ve found something that I want to live for, more like someone even though time to time I still feel like hurting myself.

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2 comments

Itscolourlife 4/19/2020 - 10:04 am

We are all here same as you..
But we have different method..
The easiest one for us is cutting..
When we cut we feel relieve..
Maybe thats what happen to you when you eat all that pills..
Im here not telling you to stop
Cause i cant stop myself from hurting myself too..
So lets just tell our story to each other to relieve ourselves..
For me when I cuy myself sometimes i eat my blood.. and it feels great..

Abnormal.Thoughts 4/19/2020 - 10:22 am

And roll on the weird things that cutters do/feel; the smell and sight of blood, very euphoric.
While I can see the addiction and hurting yourself could relate to cutting, I feel like downing bottles of pills is a little more dangerous. Maybe if it’s the high you could find something that gives a similar feeling without causing internal damage to your body.
I’m glad you found something worth living for.

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