“Im wrong aint i? Its real isnt it?”
“Its real”
This is the conversation i had with my friend before leaving for work this morning. Deep down you know its all real, but you dont want to know. This morning i told my friend that my dissociation is different now. Everything use to be distant. I could reach out but reality was just too far away. Lately ive just been feeling dead. Like im in a coma. Like this life of mine isnt real. I told him i was waiting to wake up. That i was waiting to wake up to a happy life, with a happy loving family. That none of this is real. Even though i knew the answer. Even though i didnt want to know the answer. I still had to ask. I had to know if i really am not living. And honestly, understandably, those 2 little words made me cry. I dont want this to be my reality. And if i could id take the life i had back. The life before all of this. Back in high school when it was just depression and cutting. When suicide was nothing more then idealation. Just me looking over the edge. He thinks i can get better and i want to believe him. I just cant see it 🙁 i think im too far gone.