Old Messages

I mentioned before that I sometimes like to look through old posts I make here. I reminds me of the mindset I was in at the time. The loneliness and sadness I felt at the time. It hurts to read, but it’s also somewhat soothing. Like visiting an old friend. Whenever there are periods when she stops talking to me and even when she isn’t in those periods, I also like to do the same with our old discord messages and texts. I look back at them and I can’t help but feel insanely happy. How we used to talk and what we used to share. Even the sad parts where I would breakdown and tell her all my depressing thoughts, I can’t help but smile when I would read her responses and how she would reassure me that she is there for me. However, it also fills me with horrible sadness. How I don’t know how she is doing right now and if she is even in a safe place mentally. How I don’t know if she even sees me as a friend anymore. It makes me want to try my hardest to reach out and try and hear her voice. Just to know if she is ok. However, I told myself that I need to limit myself. I don’t want to be harassing her and be filling her texts and missed calls box, like I was doing less than two weeks ago. I need to only text and maybe call once a week. That’s actually why I bothered writing this entry. I was looking through the old messages and I wanted so bad just to text her to let her know I was here for her. But I stopped myself. I figured I should just write this instead to get rid of the impulse. I find myself not using this place just as a record for my thoughts anymore, but also as a way to control my emotions. That way I won’t make as much impulsive decisions anymore. I should also limit myself when looking at her old messages. As happy as they make me, they also make me really impulsive. I just hope she is ok. I hope I get to hear her voice again. I hope that we are still friends.