Sort of…
YES! I LIT IT OK!?
1) its only half gone
2) im getting back on the sober train right now. It was just to take the edge off. I mean the inportant thing is i dont go back to being high 24/7 right. And i havent touched any alcohol. So its not that bad right?
No i havent told him yet. But i told him i rolled it. His response was….well….”you should unroll it” dude….it doesnt work that way. But it was cute. What i didnt tell him was if i wanted to i could have cut it open and put the weed back in the grinder, at worse a paper would have been wasted.
On the topic of being sober. In reference to a prvious post (https://suicideproject.org/2020/03/what-did-i-do-6/ (rereading this….just wow that perfectly explains things right now.proud of me…..i knew id fuck up)) he wanted to have a drink with me. I originally told him absolutely fucking not. But after thinking about it if he wanted to have a drink it would probably be best with me because if he does get drunk he will be safe. So i talked to him about it yesterday. I asked him why. Now im kinda hoping for an opinion here. He said he doesnt want to drink he just wants to spend time with me. So i said “i have a personality disorder. I have a lot of SOBER interests. Out of everything you could pick you pick drinking!?” “Well i want to” thats a bit of a contraction. He swears that’s all it is though and he would never lie to me. He knows how much it would hurt me. Idk i still wonder if theres more to it though. But i was right. It is all my fault he wants a drink.
10 comments
Nothing good can come of having a drink, potentially getting drunk with someone you have a history with and still have feelings for. Terrible idea.
Lol. Someone’s been paying attention to my posts.
And it’s fine. He and I have extensively talked about that and agreed I’m just to broken. I’m pretty good at keeping my senses when I’m drunk anyway. I’d be more concerned about my disorders changing my mind on the subject.
Good to hear about Day 11. I bet you two can agree on a non-drinking activity and go enjoy it.
I tried. I named off a bunch of stuff I like and the I named off stuff he likes. He was like “yeah we can do that but I still want a drink” he went budge. I know I can tell him no and he won’t argue but….idk
I agree, you could probably find a sober activity. He’s still your friend and he knows about your disorders so just be yourself. That’s my thoughts anyways.
Even though you had a small slip yesterday 11 days is really good. Keep on going.
Texting. Yeah I’m more then myself and I feel like an idiot with half the time. In person….too much anxiety. Nu uh. I’ll be everything but myself
My internal speech and behavior editor work hard not to expose just how fragile I really am.
Weed is the only thing that keeps my mind away from wanting alcohol 24/7. Every time I’ve given in and relapsed heavily it happened because I ran out of weed for a day or two. I would love to quit both but unfortunately my mind wont allow me to… yet. The only reason smoking weed might have been a bad idea is because it resets that “need” for something other than sobriety. The high wont last long and you might start trying to convince yourself that you have everything in control again. That 11 day streak starts to feel like it was all for nothing and you deserve a “reward” for your work. That’s how the cycle repeats with addicts. If you end up hanging out with your friend, make sure that the focus for doing so is not secretly just about using a substance. But on the other side of the coin, if you were in control, then it would make more sense to have a drink with him rather than when you’re alone. Drugs should be used to enhance a pleasure. It becomes dangerous and unhealthy when you start to view it as your only pleasure.
I have a mailbox…..
Lol