“Why don’t you talk?” “You don’t talk much do you…”

Why? Well because I won’t be around very long for me to even bother creating a connection with anyone. All you are is a coworker….nothing more. It’s not that you’re a bad person or that I find you annoying. I don’t think I’m better than you or anything like that. I just know myself too well. I know I’m too broken inside to allow myself to partake in companionship. I truly believe this and so you won’t see me making an effort to sneak a joke in or start a conversation. It honestly feels foreign to me. You see I’ve been broken for a while and sometimes for some people like myself the damage is too much to repair. I’ve been like this for a while so it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’ve accepted this as my reality. I don’t believe in companionship anymore….not for me. Sounds grim I know but I’ve decided to restructure my philosophy on my personal life. I’ve done it in such a way that happiness is still an option for me where I can still have some form of a connection with society and others without having to partake in “ordinary” chit chat, parties, and all other non essential social events. Strangely I am fairly comfortable speaking in front of crowds as I recently discovered at an AA meeting and I also find it easier to start conversations with strangers than I do with coworkers or classmates and I  realized this has to do with the fact that I know that I won’t ever have to establish a connection with them because we both know we likely won’t see each other again like the people on public transportation or at the DMV. I truly feel like a robot, Broly or like Edward Scissor Hands. My face definitely shows it that’s for sure. I suppose I often just feel numb to emotions like they just pass right through me of something. So yeah it’s no wonder why people think I’m a freak. I don’t even feel human sometimes. I can definitely laugh, get angry, smile, and be sad or excited. I still feel these things but it’s just not as frequent as those who question my odd behavior. I mean no offense when I’m silent but unfortunately it’s inevitable that some will take offense to it or come to negative conclusions about me with very little evidence. I’ve been called all kinds of names because of this from “future school shooter”, “Freak”, “mute” etc….it doesn’t even offend me anymore. I’m always inside my head and I always wanna know how things work more so than how people work. I love learning new things and staying busy working on things. I have obsession with learning more about this world and the universe and so I’m always inside my head because of this. Maybe that’s a bad thing. I think my purpose in life is to create something useful or just simply serve my community and my fellow human beings. That’s what makes me happy and the outdoors are nice too. I’m slowly learning how to enjoy my own company. Companionship is a trap for me and I’m not talking about “love” necessarily but rather just the simple concept of companionship. At most I’m more like an ally to people. I’ll offer my time, and work but please don’t get too close to me….. I won’t “open up” to you.