I’m 20. My back is fucked. I almost always have a headache. I might have arthritis or something in my fingers. I get random pains in my arms and legs. My feet get cramps and lock up. I can’t breath because of an undiagnosed chest problem, so no running or walking a lot plus I will take random gulps of air. and let’s not even get started on my mental problems. I have multiple personalities. Mood swings that i have zero control over. Anxiety that is on occasion crippling. It’s honestly amazing I can even leave the house. dissociation so bad that I’m not even sure I’m alive or anything is even real. I’m just so fucking sick and tired of it all. I’m 20 this is fucking stupid.
Oh and memory so bad that I’m constantly saying I don’t remember or repeating things I already said. (I didn’t know if I should put that under physical or mental problem so I just saved it for the end)
And honestly the dissociation and memory is so bad that I mostly just keep my mouth shut now because I’m fairly confident im completely insane.
see i knew i was forgetting something. i also have pseudohallucinations and hallucinations. totally not fun.
2 comments
I totally understand and get you. Do you take pills for your mental health?
No. I tried 3 different medications but the first one did make me insane and I hid it for a few weeks because everyone wanted me on medication so I just wanted to make them happy. The one after that made me sleep for 15-20hrs. And the third one gave me gas bubbles in my stomach and a headache so bad I was actually sick. My doctors answer was “well there’s side effects” well yeah no duh but I can’t be dealing with side effects that major. A small headache or something sure but those side effects are a bit extreme. And he’s answer is “what do I want to do” he’s not even giving me any options. Anyway I go back at the end of June and I’m going to suggest an MRI, it looks like I’m gonna have to be my own doctor plus my therapist doesn’t listen to me. And I actually have missed 2 appointments because of covid19 and their incompitance. I tried calling and everything for my first appointment but no one ever answered and I called multiple times and they never got ahold of me so fuck it. This whole thing wasn’t my idea my friend has been bugging me for years.
Back to the mri thing for a second though and I’m scared to do that. I could be wrong but I think that’s the thing where you lay down and then the bed moves into this large white tube thing, anyway like I mentioned in the post I have really bad anxiety so that’s freaking me out on several different levels.
The short answer: no I’m not on medication because the help here sucks. And medication is basically my only hope. Of course then I have to wonder do I really want to be on meds until the day I die. The answers no and I’ve been against meds since the day I realized I had depression just for that reason.