I had my second therapy session yesterday. Still feeling a bit strange about it. Don’t know how it’s going to turn out. My main reason for doing all this is to try and improve myself in regards to my fear of failure. To be ok with trying things and failing and stop passing up opportunities because I feel like I’m not good enough. The thing is, is there even a way to do that besides just forcing yourself. She told me that no matter how much she wants me to go for things, no matter how much my family wants me to go for things, nothing will change unless I want it. That makes sense. However, this isn’t something I didn’t know. I’ve always known this. In fact I spend every waking moment thinking about this sort of thing. I’m always in my own head. I know that things won’t change unless I change them, but I don’t know if I have the strength to change them. That I’m too lazy or unmotivated to change things. I don’t know if I can change. That I’m just fundamentally like this. Another notable thing that happened is that I felt like talking about how I feel about that sort of thing. How I don’t deserve to alive because that I’ll never amount to anything. I explained to her the “tool” analogy that I think about a lot. That if a tool becomes broken or useless, you simply throw it away. That a person is nothing more than a tool to be used, and if they don’t work then they are nothing. I started to cry. Not ugly cry, but slowly and softly. I wasn’t able to speak properly and felt like staying quiet. I don’t know why I cried. Usually the thought doesn’t make me cry, but just talking about it to someone else brought me to tears for some reason. I don’t know why. It was just strange.
I am in the process of applying for summer jobs. So far I haven’t applied to many, and I even lost an opportunity because they wanted me to give my social security number over the phone, which I wasn’t comfortable doing. Overall I’m not picky. I’ll do anything. I applied to U-Haul, a chicken place, a computer repair apprentice, a machinist. I’ll do anything for some cash. Honestly though, being a machinist wouldn’t be that bad. $10 an hour and I get to learn more about a trade that’s always interested me. It even has some overlap with the stuff I’m learning at my university. It would be pretty cool to get it. But like I said, a job is a job and I ain’t picky. While applying for U-haul it asked if I had an Linked-in I could give. I needed to visit my profile to get that link to give them. However, when I tried to sign in it tried to make me link my email and phone number and all this other stuff. Then it made me try to pick connections to people I may know. It was a whole list of people. Some of which I knew, other I didn’t. Some of them where people from high-school and middle school. People I didn’t want to think about. People who have internships and go to Ivy league school and are going places. People who are amounting to something and accomplishing things I could never dream of doing. People I used to talk to and be in the same math class as and tried to compete on tests with. One of them was my middle school crush. She goes to Harvard now, probably on a scholarship. She was the smartest girl I knew and pretty damn beautiful from what I remember. Even in 8th grade she was a billion years out of my league. When I finally felt ready to tell her my feelings, she was going through a rough time. She wasn’t in school for the last few weeks of school and I later figured out it was because her dad passed away from a heart condition. I am the king of perfect timing. I remember that it was after school and told her I wanted to tell her something, but she said she didn’t want to hear it. At the time I figured she was on to me and wanted nothing to do with me. In hindsight she was probably feeling horrible over her dad’s condition and didn’t need some dumbass telling her he “liked” her. Now she probably has dudes lined out the door who want to be her boyfriend. All of them are probably prospective doctors or lawyers. Hell she’ll probably end up being a congresswoman or a researcher working on the cure for cancer. It’s crazy to think about. Well she probably worked fucking hard for it. The world needs people like that. Hopefully I see her on the news as some big hotshot in the future. Oh well. I could’ve gone without seeing all those people today.