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Take the fury away

by Hazy Day Sunflower

What is the point of kindness when I have so much fury. Nothing changes, people are utter shit, even people I’ve known for 33 years are utter shit. This fucking world is utterly pointless.

We just exist to be used.

I am so utterly fucking lonely. Day in day out. Every fucking day of my life there is at least some amount of time when there is a black pit of loneliness in my life. This black pit I have poured just about everything I could into and the pit is endless. It never ends. Why do I just keep marching forward? Is there a point to marching forward when the pit is just fucking there?

I hike until I’m exhausted, bike until I can’t think, swim until I’m close to drowning, draw and draw and draw and please and ask and fuck you world. Just fuck you world. It doesn’t get better. It just gets different. If there is any hope it is that someday I will fucking shuffle off this mortal coil with no regrets because how can I regret just utter fucking loneliness?

This blind fury isn’t going away. I can’t make it stop and it is a steam roller that is going to consume me. It is consuming me. Not a fucking person in my life right now knows what kind of utter shit fest my brain has become. The one person I sat and talked with about this and his shit fest of an existence wrote me off after 33 years of friendship on week ago with four fucking text words. Four.

What is a life lived if not to….well ffs who cares right? People are selfish and do things for their own selfish ends, I’m not built that way. I wish to fuck sake I was built that way but I’m not and I’ve been injured in a way I can’t even describe. In a way I can even understand.

I don’t understand and the fury boils and boils and boils and there isn’t an end. Just the blind hot spiral that is currently my existence.

God I wish I could tell you to be kind and love yourself. I hate the world right now. Fucking hell I wish I could find where kindness resides and build my home there. But kindness resides nowhere. Kindness is a sham, a way for people to just suck me dry of everything I am and now I’m a husk. A husk with absolutely no end in sight except maybe just taking the rest of my RX and saying fuck you world, have it your way.

Kindness will reside in me and I will shuffle off this mortal coil and find peace anywhere but in on this awful planet where nothing makes sense and the entire worlds is just a fucking pond of fire.


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thehusk 5/25/2020 - 10:44 pm

Wish I could think of something encouraging or uplifting. Some of us really are a bit shit (or a lot shit). Loneliness sucks balls. Marching forward makes about as much sense as in any other direction (but I’d rather have a lie down.) I guess you can distract yourself from the pit for a while but you can’t fill it. Perhaps there are ways to make peace with it’s existence?

There’s a lot to be mad at in the world, but that assumes that whoever’s responsible had the ability to be and do otherwise. You could blame a God for creating a world that’s a bit shit, but then you’ve got to ask who made him/she/it so fucking useless?

We are selfish, to one degree or another. We’re all vulnerable, we’re all trying to satisfy our physical needs and emotional wants in a world of scarce resources and constant threat. But most of us do have consciences and empathy, whether or not we listen to them.

Kindness is hard, but it does make things a bit less shitty. But it usually needs to be reciprocal to do so. Giving to those who return little drains you without making them better people.

I’m not sure you qualify for husk status at this point…I’ll let you know if we have any vacancies 😉

Hazy Day Sunflower 5/25/2020 - 11:27 pm

Now that last line made me smile. No I’m not husk status. Give that open space to someone worthy. When I can no longer draw, write, or listen to beautiful music I will be ready for application to husk status. I will let you know then.

Thank you. Just one comment on this filth fulled post was enough to allow me to just go to sleep and start another day fresh. Holes fill with new things. Sometimes they fill with beautiful wildflowers like the drawing I posted earlier.

Plus I think the extra dose of Klonopin I took about a hour ago kicked in so that always helps. Better life through addictive pharmacology.

thehusk 5/26/2020 - 4:07 am


Mf 5/27/2020 - 7:49 am

Kinda late reply, but for some reason i remembered about sp and i thought i’d check, glad i did. Through the last few years i’ve been going from one distraction to another, dealing with people like the ones you describe on a daily basis only to get used and end up disappointed over and over again… so yeah, i can relate. Been through my share of fury too. You know what i learned from all that bs tho? (which i’m pretty sure you know already): being selfish and protecting yourself isn’t a bad thing, as long as you don’t become a major asshole to the rest of people (which many end up doing, hence the cycle continues).

The reason why i’m saying that because i kinda get how giving without expecting anything in return is, but sooner or later you DO end up expecting something. Like, why the hell do i give all and get so little in return? Then you start questioning yourself about why others do shit for you, yet you’re almost a bad person if you don’t worry and go above and beyond to help them. I sure wished people were more considerate and being nice wouldn’t classify you instantly as push over material, but i guess the point i’m trying to get at is that the only thing i can even consider to advice is: take care of yourself, no one is going to do it better than you. That doesn’t mean you are selfish, you can still give to others, but leave something for yourself too.

I do hope your fury is a bit less by now, but yeah… world is at all time high levels of bs so it’s more than understandable. If it wasn’t for hobbies i would have already killed someone (most likely myself, hah).

Shephard 5/27/2020 - 8:07 am

WTF. Such witchcraft… So throwing around monkey bones in my hat, and Hazy posting at the same time, is what it takes to summon a veteran SP user. Wonder who else we can summon.

@Hazy – I picture you painting the piece you posted whilst laughing like Bryan Fury in Tekken 4. Mf knows what I mean.

Fancy riding the feels train and seeing two of the Old Guard here.

Mf 5/27/2020 - 8:14 am

And it only took a global pandemic, queue iconic laughter


(glad to see you’re still around man)

Hazy Day Sunflower 5/27/2020 - 9:58 pm

I had totally fucking lost my ever loving mind yesterday. Like old times indeed. And it only took a pandemic, every fucking person in my house working from home, and my best friend of 33 years to text me informing me his wife no longer will allow me to be friends with him on any level. But he did it with 4 words.

I can’t help that I have more fun with him than she does. I will mourn that until the end of time.

Hazy Day Sunflower 5/27/2020 - 9:56 pm

I popped out the other side. Still boiling. Thank you for the comments. I’m built this way. Just built to walk forward and seek out kindness. Yesterday was a spiral manic episode that almost…almost got out of control. But I powered through it and didn’t even over take my RX which was very tempting. But I didn’t. I don’t even really have a clear memory of going to bed. I have a clear memory of rage and scrambled eggs for thoughts. Glad that part passed. I think I just needed to yell at a world where kindness is not a place I can build my home at.

hope432 5/28/2020 - 7:19 am

Hello Hazy Day Sunflower, thank you for your kindness. I can feel it. I have read your kind posts over the years. Yes, it’s true. Most people are empty and selfish.
You are a kind person and I also assume that like me, you are the one who tries to maintain friendships. Other people who seem to have a ‘normal’ life, sometimes don’t give a ‘damn’. Don’t envy them. Don’t think they are better than you. You are here among us, you have something different to say and at least you are not like most people. I prefer someone like you rather than a ‘normal’ person, and if you ever need a friend, I am here.

Hazy Day Sunflower 10/7/2020 - 8:11 pm

@Hope432 I never said thank you for these kind words.

Thank you.


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