What is the point of kindness when I have so much fury. Nothing changes, people are utter shit, even people I’ve known for 33 years are utter shit. This fucking world is utterly pointless.
We just exist to be used.
I am so utterly fucking lonely. Day in day out. Every fucking day of my life there is at least some amount of time when there is a black pit of loneliness in my life. This black pit I have poured just about everything I could into and the pit is endless. It never ends. Why do I just keep marching forward? Is there a point to marching forward when the pit is just fucking there?
I hike until I’m exhausted, bike until I can’t think, swim until I’m close to drowning, draw and draw and draw and please and ask and fuck you world. Just fuck you world. It doesn’t get better. It just gets different. If there is any hope it is that someday I will fucking shuffle off this mortal coil with no regrets because how can I regret just utter fucking loneliness?
This blind fury isn’t going away. I can’t make it stop and it is a steam roller that is going to consume me. It is consuming me. Not a fucking person in my life right now knows what kind of utter shit fest my brain has become. The one person I sat and talked with about this and his shit fest of an existence wrote me off after 33 years of friendship on week ago with four fucking text words. Four.
What is a life lived if not to….well ffs who cares right? People are selfish and do things for their own selfish ends, I’m not built that way. I wish to fuck sake I was built that way but I’m not and I’ve been injured in a way I can’t even describe. In a way I can even understand.
I don’t understand and the fury boils and boils and boils and there isn’t an end. Just the blind hot spiral that is currently my existence.
God I wish I could tell you to be kind and love yourself. I hate the world right now. Fucking hell I wish I could find where kindness resides and build my home there. But kindness resides nowhere. Kindness is a sham, a way for people to just suck me dry of everything I am and now I’m a husk. A husk with absolutely no end in sight except maybe just taking the rest of my RX and saying fuck you world, have it your way.
Kindness will reside in me and I will shuffle off this mortal coil and find peace anywhere but in on this awful planet where nothing makes sense and the entire worlds is just a fucking pond of fire.