I feel so awful – in myself. And it’s not that I don’t deserve to. I’m a truly shitty person. But there’s no way out from under it.
There are things I can do to be less shitty. In some ways I’m significantly better than I used to be (though in others I’m possibly worse.) But no matter what I do, I can’t get back to neutral. To the position where I can look others in the eye again. I could cure cancer, and I’d still be scum. If anything, the feeling gets worse the harder I try – the more I have to interact with people, and face up to that distance between us.
So why bother doing anything? Why struggle and make things harder for myself, when I know there’s no way back? Why not just sink further into it, and numb the feeling away? When you’ve dug yourself a pit so deep it would take more than a lifetime to climb out, it makes more sense to keep digging than to desperately claw at the walls, or stare longingly at the sky.