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Want Not To Feel This Anymore

by thehusk

I feel so awful – in myself. And it’s not that I don’t deserve to. I’m a truly shitty person. But there’s no way out from under it.

There are things I can do to be less shitty. In some ways I’m significantly better than I used to be (though in others I’m possibly worse.) But no matter what I do, I can’t get back to neutral. To the position where I can look others in the eye again. I could cure cancer, and I’d still be scum. If anything, the feeling gets worse the harder I try – the more I have to interact with people, and face up to that distance between us.

So why bother doing anything? Why struggle and make things harder for myself, when I know there’s no way back? Why not just sink further into it, and numb the feeling away? When you’ve dug yourself a pit so deep it would take more than a lifetime to climb out, it makes more sense to keep digging than to desperately claw at the walls, or stare longingly at the sky.

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Abnormal.Thoughts 5/30/2020 - 8:37 am

Everyone has skeletons in the closet, if everyone beat themselves up over them as much as you seem to the world would probably be a more peaceful place, because maybe we could stop repeating the evils and keep the demons at bay. You have to forgive yourself, then maybe you can be confident you are going the right direction.

thehusk 5/30/2020 - 3:16 pm

There’s skeletons and then there’s…skeletons. The petty vindictive stuff that everyone does from time to time, and then the fucked up stuff everyone agrees is beyond the pale. It’s hard not to see myself the way i know everyone else would.

Soda 5/31/2020 - 12:42 am

When we’re younger our brains have not fully developed. So we make rash, stupid decisions without any forethought. Given the situations I’ve gotten in and out of I’m almost surprised I didn’t die a few times already or end up in jail.

I think it’s maybe when you hit your late 20s or early 30s, then your intelligence kicks in. Then you’re able to think 10 steps ahead, A leads to B leads to C, so don’t do A.

Yes there’s mistakes, blunders and then there’s next level shiit. In which case you are better off keeping that info to yourself.

My problem is that I beat myself up all the time for missing out on amazing opportunities in my life. In fact I hate myself more for that, than the mistakes I made. Because good things happened even more rarely for me and it would’ve made all the BS I went through worthwhile.

I try not to let issues in my past ruin my present. Of course sometimes those feelings are all consuming and hard to control. Despite that I resolved to keep living and enjoy the things I felt I missed out on at least for now.

Imagine you were 75 years old right now, looking back on your life what would you regret? The dumb or horrible things you’ve done or obsessing over them and missing out on opportunities in your life as a result?

If what you’ve done is in the past, under control, you’re not going to harm anyone including yourself, then you’re fine. If you can’t keep your feelings in check then see a therapist, wouldn’t hurt to try.

I’m on the verge of real change in my life, I went back to the working field last year but I’m hoping to be self-employed in the next few months and hopefully I’ll never need to look back again.

That’s the one thing in my life I got right so far. It could still fall apart but I think the odds are very much in my favor. Once I reach the level I set for myself then I’ll truly being to live my life to the fullest and make the opportunities happen that used to just land in my lap before.

Anyhow good luck to all of us in getting whatever we want out of life.

Soda 5/31/2020 - 12:53 am

One thing I wanted to mention about forgiveness, it’s a murky term. Some people forgive, some don’t, some pretend to and hold it against you.

So long as you know you did something wrong, are genuinely regretful, perhaps you tried to make amends or compensate whoever you wronged then you did your part.

What’s most important is that you forgive yourself even if the world doesn’t. You can’t base your self-worth on the shifting opinions of others.

I wronged somebody once, suffered twice as much as they did as a result, made my sincere apologies and you know what, that rotten fkg lowlife claimed to have forgiven me but never did and sought to destroy my reputation while taking advantage of me at the same time.

Eventually I wised up and did what I could to keep that loser out of my life. We don’t live in a sane world, there are psychos out there, they could be your friends or family members. Do everything within reason and if other people act irrational that’s on them.

thehusk 5/31/2020 - 6:55 am

While it’s true that our brains develop as we age, and young people are more impulsive, I don’t think it’s as simple as our ability to foresee consequences suddenly kicking in after the age of 25. I know I was able to at least consider possible consequences before that age and I still went back to it. Regardless, I carried on doing the worst things right up to the age of 29 (a couple of years ago), and it’s not like I’m significantly different now. So I can’t really claim youthful naivete as an excuse.

It’s hard to know what I’ll regret more at the end of life. If I could somehow just forget all the bad and focus on making the best of things, then maybe I’d live a better life. Or perhaps I’d allow myself to do even worse. I hate myself for allowing myself to become who I am. But opportunities I’ve missed since I became this person would’ve been tainted anyway, so maybe it’s better that I let them pass – I could’ve wronged many more people by involving them in my life.

I wouldn’t say what I’ve done is in the past or under control. It’s just channeled in a less bad direction – for now. But I don’t know what might trigger a reversion to that behavior – at what point I might just stop caring. I suppose I’m always harming myself by the way I’m living – but I can’t really see a way out of that. I wouldn’t say I’m directly harming anyone right now, other than stressing my family by failing to live functionally. I’m definitely not in control of my feelings.

I’v been down the therapy route pretty exhaustively, and I’m fairly sure it’s a dead end for me. This part of me just won’t let go – no matter how hard I try to push it away, it keeps coming back. I’ve seen multiple specialists on the issue, torn myself open emotionally, and gotten nowhere. It’s also risky for me – as you say, ‘next level shit’ is better kept to yourself.

I feel highly conflicted about the thing’s I’ve done. There’s guilt and shame, but also defiance and denial, and part of me still feels it was great. On rational consideration I’d say it was wrong, but it’s also hard to see what negative impact it might have had on others. My regret is likewise conflicted – part of me wishes I never let myself get to the point where it seemed appealing to do that, part of me just wants to do it again.

I can’t see any way to make amends to or compensate those I’ve wronged. It’s complicated. Possibly I could make a symbolic donation to those in a similar position. But I have no way of knowing what (if any) impact my actions had on others, and no way of ‘making it right’.

I hope it works out for you.

Soda 5/31/2020 - 3:35 pm

You’re right about that, even in our teens we do know the consequences of our actions, but we make mistakes anyways because we think we can get away with it or the consequences won’t be that bad.

We also have less self-control and act on emotion rather than logic. I was known to be pretty smart yet I still managed to make dumb decisions. But that’s another limitation of our brains, we don’t know everything so sometimes we take that leap where others know it’s better not to.

I’ve seen other people in my life like family members making very stupid decisions, and yet they are also so arrogant and combative at the same time, they don’t even want to hear good advice.

Your situation is definitely a complicated one. I think you just need to accept you were a different person before. The fact that you have guilt/remorse shows you’re not a psychopath, that you empathize with others.

All of can become enraged or be in a different state of mind where we do things that we wouldn’t if we were calm. I’ve been in some high-stress situations or where I felt we were unsafe and that does change you. It’s like being in a war, but once you’re no longer in that environment and if your life has improved it’s just best to move on.

Perhaps you feel you deserve to have toxic feelings of guilt and are punishing yourself for the things you’ve done and don’t feel you deserve happiness in life. That’s entirely up to you. I’d done bad things, made stupid mistakes and sometimes they really ate at me, but I tried not to obsess about it over a long period of time.

Additionally I’ve been wronged and hurt by others as well, that’s the kind of world we live in. However I’m the kind of person who eventually puts all of that behind me so that I can move forward in my life. Nobody can help you change your life unless you want to.

I look at homeless people and I see they gave up in life at some point. Or they lacked a support network to help them, or they have mental illnesses and couldn’t cope in our capitalist system.

I also look at the highly successful who got all the breaks in life and I know I’m somewhere in the middle. What I also know is that I want the best that life has to offer. Death is always there for anyone who really wants it bad enough.

Despite all the good/bad that happened to me or that I’ve done to others, on balance I feel life is really amazing, if you have your healthy, money and sanity and preferably youth as well.

So I plan to ride it out as long as I can and I do my best to avoid hurting others in the process. If at some point I go broke or can’t go on any more, then I will end my life. I think it’s really stupid to keep living if one is going to end up homeless-it’s a hellish and unnecessary existence.

Thanks and likewise I hope you find the mental peace that you seek some day.

thehusk 6/1/2020 - 6:02 am

I would say that most of the time, I still act on emotion rather than logic, despite being the age I am. My logical restraint wears out very quickly, giving way to impulsiveness.

It’s hard to believe I’m that different from my worst. I spent most of the last two days gripped by a similar mindset. I didn’t go to a place quite as bad, but I don’t know why. I tell myself it’s because I don’t want to feel that bad about myself again, but most likely it’s just a matter of convenience – it would take more effort to do something that bad than it would to find an easier outlet. But I don’t know what might send me to that place again – before the last time I went there, I thought I’d changed and things were different, but that didn’t stop me. I know a large part of me still wants it – I don’t know what might trigger me to go back there.

I’m not a psychopath, but I think I probably have significant narcissistic traits. My empathy/conscience is easily overridden by other strong feelings, only to return later on – kind of like a bad radio signal.

I think for me, there’s kind of a constant low-level feeling of not being safe. I never really feel relaxed or calm – I just distract myself from my fear until I can’t anymore.

I suppose a large part of me (reinforced by the understandable views of society) does feel I deserve to suffer and be punished, rather than being happy. When I think about it rationally there doesn’t seem much point to that, but as I said, that’s not a mindset I can maintain for long.

You’re right that nobody can help you change unless you want. Part of me does, but I guess a deep part of me really doesn’t. So I inevitably sabotage any attempt to move forward.

I think I’m probably too afraid of death to end it any time soon. I’m scared I won’t ever be able to go through with it, even if things get really terrible. Hopefully there’s things I can do to gradually overcome that.

I agree that life can be great at times, while your fortunes hold.

Soda 6/1/2020 - 11:41 pm

@theHusk

Yes we all have our weaknesses and sometimes are tempted to do “bad” things because they feel good for example, like cheating on your gf/spouse with someone hotter and younger. There are other examples and I think it’s a question of how serious it is as well as the consequences.

At some point you need to stop punishing yourself and just move on. I’ve had a lot of sleepless nights because I was very angry over what people have done to me or the trouble they got me into.

It’s very difficult to get revenge on anyone and get away with it, so for the most part, I just walk away from the bad situations I was in and try to avoid getting into anything similar. I have at least learned to read people a lot better and know who’s trouble and who’s ok.

I try hard not to make enemies or get into any trouble. I find people still hate you anyways and seek to undermine you. I’m usually pretty good at turning the tables on them esp in a working environment but generally I do everything I can to avoid drama and entanglements.

You remind me a bit of ascetics who think self-punishment and suffering is somehow beneficial or in your case that you deserve it. I really cannot relate, probably since I feel I’ve already suffered too much in an already unfair life I didn’t ask for.

So I’m of the opposite view, that I deserve to have a good life, despite all that’s happened. Frankly I don’t have many options, time flew by so fast and I didn’t get settled as I had hoped to so I’m scrambling to do it now.

I’m in my late 40s and looking to just make the most of the dying youth I have left as I alluded to earlier-fortunately I still look pretty young for my age.

Perhaps that’s what you need as well to realize time is slipping away and you’re wasting it on brooding about things that can’t be undone. Since you’re in your 30s you still have some time to sort it out, don’t wait too long.

I figure if I play my cards right, I can have a great time in my 50s and 60s, even if I become an old man….then I’ll arrange a timely death, hopefully euthanasia will finally be freely available by then. It will be scary and sad to no longer ever exist but I’ll close my eyes one last time and that’ll be it.

I somewhat believe in reincarnation in that I’ll come back as someone else but never knowing anything about my past life. That’s about the only irrational belief I hold as an Atheist, as there’s no scientific basis for it but it seems reasonable. Any if I never do return, it’s not as if I’d know.

Soda 6/1/2020 - 11:45 pm

*And if…..
-since I’ll be dead.

thehusk 6/2/2020 - 2:04 pm

Most of society agrees that people like me deserve to suffer. I can’t seem to convince myself that they’re wrong, no matter how hard I try.

I know I’m wasting my life and what remains of youth. I just don’t know what to do with it when I’m constantly having this feeling of not wanting to be in this world anymore.

If ‘you’ came back as someone else, never knowing about this life, in what sense would it be ‘you’? How would it be different to just another random person being born, totally unconnected to you?

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