Blank

I really don’t know how to explain this but I’m going to try anyways.
First of all, I honestly planned to die this month, it seems I made it through, that’s not surprising. I really was serious about it, then when everything was ready and I could die I just was so relieved I haven’t felt that I should. So that’s positive, I guess.
So I’m less suicidal but I feel kinda out of it. It’s really like a disconnection in a way, I’m just doing and not thinking, like I’m on autopilot. That is making it hard to maintain conversations, and thereby relationships, because nothing really matters and I am not taking the time to make connections to what is being said. I don’t mind the silence but I know that everyone is fading away from me with every pathetic shallow conversation and I really struggle with losing people so I want to fix that but just can’t think of anything to say.
I’m still staying high most of the time but I have dropped the constant drinking for the most part, only drinking on some evenings. I think being high has helped me relax a lot and I need that. I’ve always presented myself as a pretty laid back person who lets things roll off my shoulders even if that’s not what is happening inside. I deal with my inner turmoil on my own time and keep people out of it; I guess that doesn’t help relationships either but I also have a habit of scaring everyone away when they get a glimpse of the darkest corners of my thoughts. People just don’t understand.
If I had an open conversation about it with someone now I don’t think I would feel any way about it, like a Vulcan, just fact of what is.
There isn’t any passion left and I want to find that but what I think I am or was passionate about is fleeting or fails to provide that satisfaction.
It would be so nice to just drift away into the abyss, this blankness is comforting but I know it won’t last and it only serves to destroy.
I’ve also been a little on the snappy side with my family, more in a way that I am tired of the same damn conversations all the time.
Anyways, that’s my rant for the day. Hope everyone is fairing well.