i have been trying to understand why am i such a bitter, lonely, negative and so miserably hopeless – trying to understand why and when did i get like that.. the first thing that i think crushed me was being rejected at a young age and equally so the fear of being rejected in the future – it stayed with me all of my life. funny thing is when i was a teenager i had some good friends but as i became more and more depressed all of my fair weather friends shunned me as if i had leprosy or something. i always came to my friends help and loyalty was a point of pride for me. in the following decades i had made some friends but i had trust issues and only one person showed me the kindness of loyalty, sadly he had moved to the UK and we whatsapp once in a while. with the ladies i never had much luck either, my troubled childhood and the fucked up way i was brought up made it impossible for me to be in a loving or intimate relationship without being terrified of being abandoned or rejected. the last time it happend to me (being rejected coldly and without warning) i couldnt take it and turned to drink and drugs – 7 years later i am still addicted to narcotics and have not one friend in this world. i believe rejection and abandonment (real or perceived) are the root causes for most of the social misery we are all suffering from or maybe its just me. this modern age with all of the social media had turned us into egocentric, disloyal and immoral beasts.
“Homo homini lupus” its latin for “Man is wolf to man.”
thanks for reading,
jonesy
2 comments
Interesting thoughts, I think the answer is (for everyone) that it’s just you. Our personalities seem to define themselves independent of events. For example, someone with your exact story may become a friendly outgoing person determined to prove that there is goodness in humankind. I’ve met a few like that. On the flip side, you could take someone like me who generally has good interactions with people, but I still dislike humans.
So while it’s very good to analyze your path and past events to better understand who you are, I think ultimately who you are is what you were born with, just like any other physical traits like eye color, bone structure and hair. Can’t change your core. This sucks for those of us who are predisposed to be bitter and miserable. Even if you hadn’t been rejected or abandoned, you would be more or less who you are right this minute. Same as me, nothing has ever made a lasting difference. And that’s also why I hate when people say “it gets better”. No. That’s like saying “one day you’ll wake up happy”. No.
Hi HDNQ, thanks for your reply.
i think you are right but only partially – i believe it’s more like 50-50, meaning genetics and environment combined. there’s even some evidence if you can call it that – identical twins (with the exact genetic makeup) that were separated early on developed a personality that suited the surrounding environment, more or less. i hate to be one that quotes p-docs but they say that genetics load the gun and circumstances pull the trigger.. i believe it might be right but who knows, right?