To: Sister with a flower in the head
You are really greedy huh? You have been living well, have many friends, have lovely boyfriend, have your youth life without studying, hang out friends, eating good food, top three doctor college, but still you said you are jealous of me…
You said its not enough and you still need 1% of my happiness. How can you be so cruel as a sister huh? You want to play music like me, you want to be loved by parents like me, like me, like me, like im living with the best live more than yours.
Everyone can see even you can see even you said it yourself. Yes you are better than me. I said it here and there.
Like me you said? Feeling miserable 23 hours a day. Cant find what I want to do. I cant even recognize myself or my hobby anymore. My hobby faded so my happiness. My self love deteroriated. You can see a deep black under my eyes because i cant sleep at all. If you ask me why i cant sleep, its the headache or my ear keep ringing or my eyes like pressed by someone or i cant breathe sometimes or i got sleep paralyze. Sometimes when i finally got to sleep i wake up with miserable feeling. A dream of old memories like a torture. I hate this. I hate that. Ive been living with this for years. Even right now my head hurts like hell writing this. Its like my head going to explode.
If i can trade my life with you i would. I would. Oh i would. I dont need this music talent at all that i hate right now. I dont need my good voice at all that i cant even try to sing anymore. I dont need my dying parents love at all. Dont you see they love you more than me right now. You are succesfull and not like me a trash. I dont need my kind heart that always help people in need and now no one help me. You know it feels so lonely at night at morning at evening at afternoon. Locking myself in my room feel safer because i wont get hurt someone wont get hurt.
You know if reborn did exist i dont want to be reborn. At all. I want to be a void. Leaving this toxic world that even your family cant help. I have no regret leaving this world. Dont worry. Actually I will feel so muchh better. Like a bigggggg biiiiggg stone lifted up from me. Karma does exist and i hope you dont get one.
I still remember that you said depression too when your wedding plan got cancelled because of covid. Yes you sure about it because you are a doctor. If you really have one then why you did all this to me when you see i try to die 2 times and countless of time cutting and choking myself and hitting my head with things. I wonder why you said that to me. To die drinking rat poison. To die as fast as i can. I wonder why you said that. I really wonder why. But you know if maybe you really have one, i hope yours wont get worsen like me. Dont be like me. Its not good or happy at all or once. Its painful really painful.
I dont know what to said anymore. But if you find this web and my diary. Hi its your lil sis. Ive been searching for help for years. Ive been searching for love and hug for years. Do you remember that last time we hug? I dont think so. Be happy sis live well and wlak the flower path. Hey dont cry its okay its all in the past.
Once i said this the past is not a past. The past is what makes me right now. So the past is now. So i dont know. But yeah i know you will move on. Nice to meet you again here.
From : Lil sis with a mushroom in the head