i haven’t been present in my life

-tw ed- it’s been a long while since ive been even aware of my life, i literally just seem to be floating around.. my eating problems have gone through the roof and body dysmorphia is eating me up.. i cant seem to think beyond my reflection and even when i do other things im just suffocating. i cannot walk without feeling every inch of my body its killing me.. i go from days without food to multiple binging and purging sessions and god i feel so disgusting to purge in public bathrooms. im literally a mess but i go out of my way to hide it making me more of a mess inside. i dont know i genuinely am so endlessly numb that i dont think or feel or function anymore. like im stuck in an imaginary tornado, im just waiting for death because im too numb to even do it myself. i just wish a very stupid wish which i think is so ungrateful.. but i wish to just be thrown over a bridge or stabbed just anything very bad because i deserve that. i want to starve to death but i cant even manage to do that with all the self hate i have im such a fucking failure.