Lelouch vi Britannia once said “When there is evil in this world that justice cannot defeat. Would you taint your hands with evil to defeat evil? Or would you remain steadfast and righteous even if it means surrendering to evil? To defeat evil, I shall become an even greater evil.”
My friends may have though I could defeat my mental illness with sheer force of will. While we know that’s impossible, I don’t think they were wrong about everything, and I don’t look down on them for being wrong. C. talked a lot about that quote, “Those who do battle with monsters must be careful lest they themselves become monsters. And he who gazes too long into the abyss, be wary, for the abyss gazes back”.
I texted one of them one day because I had finally seen what they’d seen: “..You’re right bro. I hate people for their inner darkness. I don’t see the light. I’m just like that kid who was afraid of me for no goddamn reason in high school because I was a kid with long hair. His name was Eric. He obviously was autistic like me. And he wasn’t raised right. I tried to tell him that his parents were just fucking him up with those meds they gave him for his ADHD. The shit he said. “Without them, I’m really fucking annoying.” Like so what. You’re annoying now dude. Didn’t your caregivers ever think to show you a drop of fucking tolerance? It’s just like how all the adults in my life treated me like shit. They hated me for my inner darkness. They hated me for having the courage to conquer what they saw in themselves. I always thought I was invulnerable to the influence of others. But it turns out I was afraid of them. “What if they’re right”? And ultimately they banded together to destroy me. Because they feared what I represent. I have turned into everything I hate. I remember how badly I wanted to be a heroic beacon in that darkness. I wanted to intimidate those who intimidated others. And unbeknownst to me, I did. I really did. I struck fear into the biggest, evilest motherfuckers I encountered. Of COURSE I was afraid.. I have become a monster.”
I met an Orthodox Christian in a Discord server the other day. It was a server full of people with “alternate” views. Not that I share the views, but I though I was tough enough to enter there, but after a while I started feeling sick to my stomach and left. The Orthodox guy was interesting. He told me a lot about how they view the Catholics as heretics who basically declared themselves to be on par with God by investing power in the pope, or something like that.. I’ve been an atheist my whole life, and I don’t think I could ever become a Christian, whether the true philosophy of Christianity is much more consistent than what we have today throughout most of the world. And I believe in God. Proof of intelligent design, at least. Black implies white, life implies death, male implies female, and I believe that the structure of DNA is proof of god. But not the Christian god. Or the Islamic god. Or the Hindu god, or the Pagan gods or any other gods or forces beheld of on this planet. The structure of DNA just implies intelligent design. A oneness, if you will, divinity, with all things around us; microcosm, macrocosm are the same. It could mean anything. It could mean we’re in a simulation, who knows?
Lack of belief aside, I could see how Christian values could hold some.. er, value, especially with a more congruent version of Christianity coming into the picture, but I still don’t know what to believe.
Romans 12:17 as follows:
Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.
Makes sense to me. But that conflicts with what I said earlier.
I guess the question is, which way is right? Do you really think evil can be defeated with kindness?
Maybe.. I don’t completely hate the religious anymore? I don’t know. I think I’m closed-minded.