the universe is against me

Nothing ever works in my favor. I started losing friends one by one every fucking year and blamed myself for not being good enough, barely getting through my childhood with once used-to-be abusive father. I’m glad he’s changed now but the effects never really went away. Nothing in my life works in my way. I am desperately clinging on to the job that I am suffering in because I have to support my family, my mom is really sick but I cant go back because of the pandemic, and every fucking day I have to go through a whole anxiety attack before I start work. I am really tired. I am clean from self harm, but the thoughts keep coming back everyday I’m just scared someday I’ll find the courage to go through with it. I’m really tired living this life. I just wanted to disappear and never exist. What good do I even bring when I live?