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Komm, süsser Tod

by Apo

I don’t know what to write really. I guess I just want to get some feelings out. This won’t be written in any order that makes sense I just want to put all my thoughts down. I recently started cutting myself as a way to cope with my problems. I always felt an empty nothingness inside my heart, it feels like a bottomless pit. Every time I cut myself, the feeling goes away. It must be the dopamine or adrenaline rush but it feels good. Honestly, I don’t want to feel anything. Anger, love, pride, sorrow, I don’t want to feel ANY of it. I just want to die. My life has been a complete downward spiral and nothing is ever going to change. Everyone always tells me things will get better but I FUCKING KNOW IT WON’T. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THINGS WILL GET BETTER?? IT’S BEEN LIKE THIS FOR ALL THE YEARS I’VE BEEN ALIVE. I’M TIRED OF IT ALL AND I JUST WANT TO DIE. I’m tired of all the fucking lies. “I love you”. “I care about you”. “I need you”. All bullshit. They pity me and just want me to suffer. Everyone loves seeing me suffer. They never fucking cared about me. I don’t fucking matter and I’m FUCKING AWARE. They keep lying and lying just to fucking torment me. I’ll end it all with my death. I’ve attempted twice (and failed obviously because that’s what I am, a failure) but my next attempt will be my last. I’m sorry for the long rant. Most of it is probably rambling, incoherent bullshit but I just needed to get this off my chest.


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Sbilko 12/17/2020 - 4:58 am

Hi, I’m sorry, I truly mean it when I say that it’s worth rethinking. I once found all my future plans shattered, so I felt really disoriented and confused. I felt like a person drowning in the middle of the ocean. I felt a void inside because of the lack of meaning, the lack of purpose. Yet I knew that I have only 1 life, so I searched for meaning, for the answers to all my questions, and found them all. Now I feel in order, the void inside is no more, and I look onwards with hope.

heartlessviking 12/22/2020 - 8:33 pm

Death comes for us all, at present I see no profit in hastening it coming for me. I don’t feel now, and honestly it is pretty great. I was mad, lost, sad, all that horrible stuff. Yet, at the end of the road, you can become so tired that even sadness takes too much energy.

I have a deep and enduring hatred of the way things are, and that they have stolen much of the things that once brought me joy. I disagree, the large amount of humanity does not enjoy or even care about our pain. My death would silence my voice of opposition to things as the are; the people who I despise the most would profit from my death.

All is meaningless, the only meaning there ever was is that which we believed so. I’m kind of over believing in anything firmly enough to make a drastic change for it. When I am convinced that things can be better, I approach it with methodical determination and don’t stop until I either get it or determine there is a more profitable course of action.

Not giving methods, not encouraging; death is coming, if you desire it faster there are multiple paths in that direction. I personally would take a dangerous job if I really wanted to die. Accident and probability are far more reliable methods of death than attempting to bring it about via contraption or chemicals.

I don’t think you are a failure, you’ve found a significant amount of things that don’t work. Assuming you can compile meaningful info from that, it wasn’t meaningless. Trial and error, tis the only way any of us know anything that works, and anything that doesn’t. It seems like you seek significance, for something that you do to matter, if so, chase that. Suicide won’t do it. If you want to be invisible, to be left alone, there is a path to that as well. What I think is the struggle in either case is that there is no immediate solution. Even death creates more work for someone else, not a clean solution for anything at all.

HealMyHeart 1/8/2021 - 6:58 pm

Everything you say rings true with me. A few hours ago I couldn’t see any point in going on. My head was drowning in horrible, self depreciating, negative thoughts, my heart was pounding and quite honestly I just wanted to die to escape the torment. But I’m still here. And there must be a reason for that. Just as your life has reason, deep and meaningful. You will find it. Just never give up.

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