This feels like a joke… My whole life has been a joke… My mother was to go away on a trip and it was cancelled over and over thanks to Corona. She was going in a few days and I had already planned my death.. Even if it wouldn’t have worked, I was at least going to try to end this misery. My mind is deadly, it’s making everything seem like it’s out to get me.
I had backed up our family photos on a cloud, which took me hours. Only so that my family won’t forget to do it after I’m gone. I take any conversation with a person, that I can get. Even if they don’t deserve my time… Humanity is cruel in so many ways. 11 years of my life I’ve tried to toughen up, to not be so sensible, but all of those years I couldn’t manage to do that. It may never happen..
So, now that my mother’s at home and I can’t end my life, what am I going to do.? What the hell am I going to do… I’ve started to self harm again, which used to help a little. But now it doesn’t. Nothing helps. I’ve not been okay for a long while. But this.? This is a new level, where I feel like I’ll never get out of. I don’t want to feel this way. Make it stop please. I’m not important to anybody.