Home Chronic Pain Nothingness
Report Post

Nothingness

by Virus.Found

This feels like a joke… My whole life has been a joke… My mother was to go away on a trip and it was cancelled over and over thanks to Corona. She was going in a few days and I had already planned my death.. Even if it wouldn’t have worked, I was at least going to try to end this misery. My mind is deadly, it’s making everything seem like it’s out to get me.

 

I had backed up our family photos on a cloud, which took me hours. Only so that my family won’t forget to do it after I’m gone. I take any conversation with a person, that I can get. Even if they don’t deserve my time… Humanity is cruel in so many ways. 11 years of my life I’ve tried to toughen up, to not be so sensible, but all of those years I couldn’t manage to do that. It may never happen..

 

So, now that my mother’s at home and I can’t end my life, what am I going to do.? What the hell am I going to do… I’ve started to self harm again, which used to help a little. But now it doesn’t. Nothing helps. I’ve not been okay for a long while. But this.? This is a new level, where I feel like I’ll never get out of. I don’t want to feel this way. Make it stop please. I’m not important to anybody.

13 comments
4

Related posts

13 comments

Sbilko 1/5/2021 - 5:09 pm

Please, do reconsider your choice, you do matter, your life has indeed a positive deeper meaning which you can discover en enjoy, there is purpose to life, and there is love, please do not despair. We love you.

Virus.Found 1/6/2021 - 11:40 am

Sorry to disappoint you, but if enough people cared, I wouldn’t even be on this website. Thanks for reaching out though, I really appreciate it.!

Sbilko 1/6/2021 - 12:28 pm

I’m glad you appreciate my words!

Yes, I agree, people are often direct, cutting and conflictive beyond needed. I remember when I was a child, how quick they were to judge, how quick to look after their own self-interest, not knowing that there is no greater joy than two 4-year-old children playing together ^^,
I reassure myself thinking it can’t be like this for long, sooner or later such a society will face its consecuences, and become like dear little genuinely loving children we are all meant to be ^^,

Please know, chances are you have a family member or more, who really love you and what to spend time with you and be with you.

Yeah, I know, our society encourages pride and arrogance; but I think it’s just a mantle, a cover, and that below the surface people truly yearn for a criticism-free environment, where they can feel free and at ease ^^,

I dreamt I was pursued by Deadpool-dressed zombies, and was running. But then I focused on the muscles of my legs, and was able to run so fast that oh my, I almost flew!

Virus.Found 1/7/2021 - 5:08 pm

I like, that you compare it to childhood, I sometimes like to do that. That I feel like I’m still a child inside, laughing, not following rules and wanting everybody to not be too busy for a playdate. But that’s not the case.. adulthood is just endless suffering. There’s perks of course but just to go back and not care about one thing in the world.? Yeah, we all could need that sometimes.

My mom loves me.. how cheesy that may sound.^^ I feel like I can’t talk to her about my deepest fears and regrets anymore. It’s been too much and too dark, for someone to handle.

A few years ago, I might’ve thought it was all a cover, where everyone hides behind but at this point I believe, they have wrapped themselves so much into it, that they can’t struggle to get it off. I don’t think of anyone being a good person, if they can’t be cordial around me. It’s not my fault, people prefer to be rude. And I think that’s an awful personality, to be ignorant towards someone who only wanted to have a nice conversation. I’m sorry, but that’s not acceptable to me..

Deadpool-dressed zombies.? Haha, that’s wild.! My dreams are so dull lately.

Sbilko 1/7/2021 - 5:31 pm

Have you tried virtual reality? I once watched videos of them, they were like around a campfire, it seemed chill.

Ohh, that’s awesome that your mother loves you!! ^^, I wish mine stopped calling me an idiot whenever she’s angry, which is everyday xp
Please, do consider giving her a chance to know what’s in your soul. ^^,

Historically speaking, I can see how shaming and mocking other people improved one’s chances to reproduce (and make following generations do the same). Like almost only such people survived and then we wonder why the world is hostile. But now people can increasingly live almost a century, it makes less and less sense to shame and judge other people.

One problem at a time, there is always hope. ^^,

Virus.Found 1/8/2021 - 7:35 am

I look forward to VR but oh my Lord, I can’t afford that 😀

Awh, I’m sorry about that… I’m not sure what kind of relationship you have with her, but I have a friend whose mother loves her but she’s always annoyed by her character xD So, maybe that’s the case for you too.?

You’re not wrong… I just thought, we would’ve overcome that the first chance we got sanitary facilities, haha. Yeah, it does not make sense to apply those traits anymore.? There’s no gain from that at this point. I don’t have to end up as T-Rex meal or swing a club for dominance. I thought we’d be more advanced at this point, so that’s kinda a bummer..

Sbilko 1/8/2021 - 11:04 am

Oww, sorry to hear that.

Yeah, it’s of the sort you say.

Hopefully, hopefully we’ll grow not in intelligence but rather in wisdom.

If I can help you in any way I’m here ^^, Thank you for replying to my messages, your words are also very kind, I have no doubt you must be a wonderful person ^^,

Sbilko 1/5/2021 - 5:14 pm

You are important, you are our dear fellow human being which we adore and cherish, a very positive influence to this website too. Please, do use the resources which this website offers in the right-side, and contact a family member too if you wish. We are here for you, but please do reconsider your choice, suicide is not something that can be undone. And there is soo much to live for, life can be soo beautiful.

Stupid B*tch 1/6/2021 - 9:33 pm

This is Monster. I changed my username last month. I created an IMVU account in case you’d like to talk on there. I truly do care about you. I’m glad your mother wasn’t able to go on the trip. You still have a chance to experience true happiness. Let me know if you want to add each other on IMVU. If not, I totally don’t blame you!

Virus.Found 1/7/2021 - 4:49 pm

Ohhh, I remember talking to you Monster.! That makes me happy. If you still read this add me, if you know how to do it. Name’s: GentleNik
I find it very confusing to search for users in the app, there’s a website and launcher where it’s easier. You can also tell me your name, if you’re not able to find it.

HealMyHeart 1/8/2021 - 6:40 pm

I was going to end my life earlier tonight. I just couldn’t take any more. I found this website and that’s what saved me. We can find strength and inspiration in each other because we’ve all felt the same way at some point.

Virus.Found 1/9/2021 - 9:29 am

Oh, I’m very glad you’re still here then.! I have to agree, sometimes the people on here can make you feel less lonely and less alienated. I hope that you seek this website, whenever you feel not okay. I’m here for you, as are others 🙂

Sbilko 1/8/2021 - 10:06 pm

Ohh, you blessed my day!! Thank you!! ^^, Yes, of course we can find strength, and meaning, and coping skills, and love, and everything. Thank you again, I feel so joyed from your wonderful message ^^,

Leave a Comment