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by thehusk

I am an awful person. From every standpoint. No matter your philosophy, your personality, your politics, pretty much everyone can agree that I am scum – the lowest of the low. I am one of those quiet figures that drift through life in the background, keeping their evil intent hidden until it’s finally exposed. You may know that something’s off when you look in my eyes, but it only clicks into place when the truth is revealed.

Unfortunately (for me), I’m not a psychopath. I feel the shame of what I am. The isolation of it. Living with myself is hard. I don’t sleep well at night.

The standard response is ‘so change’. It’s not so easy. When you’ve dug yourself a pit this deep, there’s no hope of ever getting out again. A few things you really can’t come back from. They contaminate your mind. It’s easier to just keep digging.

I’m less bad than I used to be, in terms of my actions. But my mind is as sick as ever. If you knew the things that go through it on a daily basis, you would hate me, and you’d be right to. I hate me, when I see myself objectively. But still, that part of me persists. The monster rages inside my head. All I can do is keep it on a shorter leash.

The monster is me, in a deep sense. I moderate myself, to try and limit the pain I cause to myself and others. But it will always be there – it’s too integral a part of myself to let go. It would be like cutting off my limbs. I can’t imagine living without that part of myself. It’s horribly contaminated and warped, and there’s no healing it, but it’s integral – it’s essential.

It’s debatable whether I should kill myself simply to rid the world of this sickness. When considering the effects on family I think probably not. And I’m too afraid anyway. But that means living with being this terrible person. And that hurts, a lot. I feel like shit, because I deserve to, because I am a piece of shit. And there’s no way out of that awareness. No amount of good works or volunteering or charity change what I am. I’ve really tried to pretend I’m a decent person. I’ve been through therapy. I really tried to starve that part of me. But it changed nothing. Now mostly I just want to numb the awareness away. Which helps in digging my pit ever deeper. My own little private hell.

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11 comments

Abandoned 1/7/2021 - 2:30 pm

i know theres a very low chance, probably not one at all in you answering but i would like to ask anyway.

may i ask what is so horrible? i met this one person who liked younger people but said that they never acted on it and they felt really horrible about feeling that way. and i accepted them. im just saying…if you want to talk i have a hard time believing i wont understand, im a fairly openminded person.

thehusk 1/7/2021 - 4:15 pm

If it was something I could risk disclosing to a stranger online, then it wouldn’t be that horrible. I’m sure you are openminded, but if you really knew the depths of it then I’m also fairly sure you’d despise me. You seem like a decent person, and that would be the decent response. I think only someone who was sick in the same way as me would really understand. Thank you for the offer though.

Rainwatch 1/7/2021 - 3:13 pm

Your writing style is impressive, I have said this to you before, the writing I read today is embarassing, particularly columnists,charlatans masquerading as writers, you should be writing a column, I would read you.
Whatever you have done others have done far worse, try to forgive yourself, every fuck out there is walking around with skeletons in their closet and they sleep soundly at night, like a log. Irish politicians spring to mind, I say that because Im Irish, it could make one very angry indeed, anyway Ive gotten off the point here, rant over.

thehusk 1/7/2021 - 4:29 pm

Thank you, I always appreciate the compliment. I wouldn’t be able to say anything real if I were publishing – most people don’t want endless self-hatred. It helps a little to put it up here – to clarify what I’m experiencing. Knowing that someone else might read it makes me feel a little less alone.
Other have done worse, but some things are just unforgivable – while the skeletons in my closet aren’t exactly literal, they’re not so far away, morally speaking.

lostcase 1/7/2021 - 4:25 pm

i think at the end you get to choose your sacrifice,, your sanity or your life

thehusk 1/7/2021 - 4:32 pm

I think I probably sacrificed my moral sanity a long time ago. I can’t see myself ever getting to the stage of talking to invisible friends, but you never know.

Virus.Found 1/7/2021 - 5:20 pm

The worst is, when you have enough intelligence and empathy, to realize something is wrong with you. I feel that way sometimes.. I’m a nice person, but if someone truly hurts me, I can be super ugly towards them. I’m not proud of it. And I always hope, people can forget the words that I’ve said to them. I, for myself do not ever forget what anyone’s ever said about me. We can only hope to somehow contain it and die along with it, not anybody knowing, what has been going on in our heads. There’s a lot of things I feel ashamed for as well, but I feel that maybe society has made me think, that’s something I should feel shameful about. It’s all veeeery relative. To me counts: If you have the ability to recognize it, then you’re not a bad person. There’s some people who say truly awful things, especially online and don’t think for a fucking second, how it may affect someone. And they think they’re in the right and laugh about you getting upset about it, while you’re awake all night thinking: How can that person even live this kind of life.?! There’s always going to be a side of a human being, that stays in the shadows. However some people don’t do that. But they really should have. I mean, we have a sense for right and wrong for a reason.

lostcase 1/8/2021 - 12:08 pm

i think i understand where you’re coming from.. feeling apologetic but not finding a way to change. unfortunately its the burden you carry for having a heart. i hope one day you’ll feel okey existing.

theo 1/9/2021 - 3:17 am

I’d hug you irl

theo 1/9/2021 - 3:21 am

“You may know that something’s off when you look in my eyes, but it only clicks into place when the truth is revealed” reminds me of my friend’s biggest secret – that he was a virgin – he lied to everyone – I’m wondering if this is one of those, “that’s it? Really” moments

fxd45tsp 1/10/2021 - 4:31 pm

Well, as some others have said already, if you can recognize that your thoughts are “improper” (I will use this word but feel free to replace it with another one) but do not act on them then you are already better of than a lot of people. Take politicians and central bankers for example. They know that their actions are harming A LOT of peoples. Yet they continue to do so. They ignore their actions. So if you can recognize your thoughts should not be acted upon because they are “improper”, then you have morality and the will to enforce it. You might be the purest person ever. But being put in a human body that has brain imbalances, you actions will not reflect who you truly are. I think we are all good, it is our human body can make us “less good” so to speak. I have come to the conclusion (and now trying to ignore it) that living and surviving is evil. To maintain life, one must eat by killing a plant or animal to survive. On a daily basis. Which I ask: What makes my life more important than another? What makes my existence more important than the food I consume? I am pretty much certain they would have wanted to live without ever encountering me. I mean, lions will eat their prey alive. Probably not very pleasant for the prey. But enough downer philosophy for today. Lastly, as for hiding in shadows, I have (and still do) this on a daily basis. Not really with bad intent. It is just the type of person I am. I do not like attention being brought to myself. But that does not make you or me “improper”, it just makes us different.

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