I am an awful person. From every standpoint. No matter your philosophy, your personality, your politics, pretty much everyone can agree that I am scum – the lowest of the low. I am one of those quiet figures that drift through life in the background, keeping their evil intent hidden until it’s finally exposed. You may know that something’s off when you look in my eyes, but it only clicks into place when the truth is revealed.
Unfortunately (for me), I’m not a psychopath. I feel the shame of what I am. The isolation of it. Living with myself is hard. I don’t sleep well at night.
The standard response is ‘so change’. It’s not so easy. When you’ve dug yourself a pit this deep, there’s no hope of ever getting out again. A few things you really can’t come back from. They contaminate your mind. It’s easier to just keep digging.
I’m less bad than I used to be, in terms of my actions. But my mind is as sick as ever. If you knew the things that go through it on a daily basis, you would hate me, and you’d be right to. I hate me, when I see myself objectively. But still, that part of me persists. The monster rages inside my head. All I can do is keep it on a shorter leash.
The monster is me, in a deep sense. I moderate myself, to try and limit the pain I cause to myself and others. But it will always be there – it’s too integral a part of myself to let go. It would be like cutting off my limbs. I can’t imagine living without that part of myself. It’s horribly contaminated and warped, and there’s no healing it, but it’s integral – it’s essential.
It’s debatable whether I should kill myself simply to rid the world of this sickness. When considering the effects on family I think probably not. And I’m too afraid anyway. But that means living with being this terrible person. And that hurts, a lot. I feel like shit, because I deserve to, because I am a piece of shit. And there’s no way out of that awareness. No amount of good works or volunteering or charity change what I am. I’ve really tried to pretend I’m a decent person. I’ve been through therapy. I really tried to starve that part of me. But it changed nothing. Now mostly I just want to numb the awareness away. Which helps in digging my pit ever deeper. My own little private hell.