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Absence makes the heart remember.

by Once

I’ve been in contact with my oldest sister quite a bit recently.  She’s done a LOT over the years to help me out, but since I left our hometown, we’ve grown distant.  The conversations she and I have had recently and the way she has responded to me have brought back memories of why I couldn’t wait to leave home and distance myself from my family.  My sister is a kind person, as I said she has done a lot for me, her little brother, but it’s all coming back to me these past two months as she and I have been in contact with each other – I doubt I could get far enough away from my siblings to wipe away the pain and hurt of our shared childhood and the dysfunctional parents responsible for it.

“They” say family is important. “They” say family is a treasure. Hmmm. I can see where that’s true, for some. As for me, if I could leave the planet and never hear from my siblings ever again, I’d avail myself of the opportunity,  in a heartbeat, without hesitation.  I don’t love my siblings. I am a narcissist with no real connection to them. When I casually say “I love you” to any of them, I am lying. And it’s easy.

Being in contact with any of them is too difficult, what with the trauma we shared at the hands of parents who never should have reproduced.  Damn them both…just damn them both.

Family isn’t always what “they” say it is. Family can be a reminder of memories of a hell that will escort one into the grave.

I don’t love you, ****, even though you’re my big sister and you took care of me. I can’t love you, I can’t love any human…and I need to never ever see your face again, because the pain you represent is just too much for your dysfunctional damaged brother to handle.


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Idfk anymore, I'm just here I guess 2/25/2021 - 4:57 am

I wish people would understand this. Even here, on a suicide site, it seems taboo to say these things.

Mf 2/25/2021 - 11:47 am

I’ve always wondered why you have to love your family regardless of how bad they’ve been to you, so yeah, i can see your point.

For reference, i cut all ties with my father’s side of my family. My mother’s side is kinda the same, since she lied to me for decades (and still does about some things). Funnily enough some of those lies brought me here in the first place.

So… i’m supposed to love them profusely? lol, nope. When i stare at them all i see are lies and a vague memory of what things could have been without their stupid choices. Not that there isn’t blame on my end, but at least that’s my own doing. My mother has tried to make amends, but all i can give in return is the lie that all is forgiven. But how could you really forgive someone that’s not aware (or just plainly doesn’t care) about the damage they’ve done?

Long winded answer to say something quite simple (reading your post kinda struck a nerve today i guess), but yeah… i’d rather save love (no idea if i’m actually capable of that at this point) for people that i feel deserve it, not just out of obligation.

Once 2/25/2021 - 2:48 pm

“(no idea if i’m actually capable of that at this point)”

This is the kicker for me. My sister has never done me serious wrong, quite the opposite. I just am not wired for “love”, which probably gets me a free membership to the sociopath club. At best, I empathize with her for enduring the same parents, but all the typical notions of what love is and how it defines a person’s relationship to another, well…they’re just not there. My wiring is off.
Anyhow. For me, being away from family is where I find just a little bit of healing. Like you said, if you try to love out of obligation, it’s disingenuous and it’ll catch up with you.

Once 2/25/2021 - 12:09 pm

Agreed. This site deals with one of the biggest taboos of all. I’m just an anonymous blip on the radar here…and this is my unfortunate truth. If we can’t open up here about sensitive issues, who are we helping? That’s the way I see it, but then again, I’m all about me.

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