i often feel like it’s my fate to never be truly happy. as if i’m destined to suffer, that’s my purpose.
many try to make the point of “oh, the bad parts will be over soon”
and to that, I have to ask when? when will they be over? when will they cease to repeat themselves?
it’s a question left unanswered, because the answer is something they don’t want to admit.
The answer is “never”.
for me, at least. I find myself to constantly be a target for abuse, manipulation, pain, et fucking cetera. over and over and over, a never-ending cycle of torture and emotional turmoil.
i don’t have the energy to function right now. the assignments keep stacking. i haven’t showered since friday. my diet is devoid of any nutritional value. the only thing i can stomach is cereal, rice, fruit, and ice (I fucking eat ice for some reason). i feel exhausted, yet i don’t want to sleep. my blood sugar is really low and it’s causing me to have a headache. my head feels heavy on my shoulders. i just want to feel okay. i want to be normal, whatever that entails. i want my childhood that i didn’t get to have. i want to be able to remember things from those years that aren’t just memories of abuse.
3 comments
That’s exactly why i don’t like to believe in fate, it would mean we are powerless to change things around (well… even MORE powerless, otherwise sp wouldn’t exist). I prefer to think there’s no purpose other than the one people set for themselves, and bad things are a result of everyone’s set purpose clashing against everyone elses.
I know it’s a naive and maybe dumb way to think but it keeps me (somewhat) going, maybe a small bit of hope that things might change at some point? assuming you’re here just to suffer brings even more suffering imho… things are bad enough as they are. I do hope you can get a decent meal at some point, that also plays into feeling awful (at least it does for me).
P.S.: i do think they don’t reply because the answer is “i don’t know”… no one knows. Might be never, might be someday.
Small steps can help a little, I know from personal experience that I have to shower and get dressed or I will have no chance at getting through anything that day, so even if I don’t feel like it I force myself to do at least that, then if I still can’t do anything I know I tried.
I don’t know what’s causing you not to eat, when I fall into a severe depression I get a sinking feeling in my stomach that won’t go away even if I eat so I just don’t, but I also get extremely weak pretty quickly and I’m fortunate to have a SO that makes food and sets it in front of me, because I would starve if I had to get it myself and he knows that. lol.
Don’t beat yourself up for not doing anything, just start with anything you can. Good luck.
Finally getting to the shower does help. I think we as I know I also do this is constantly beat ourselves up with wanting answers that will never come until we leave this life. I have no answers to why all my suffering and all the suffering I see all around me. Im at a loss. I tell people now I found the answer and it is ta da “there is no answers”. Maybe we can get better if we learn to accept that.