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Fatigue is setting in.

by Once

My battle with insomnia is getting worse.  I’m averaging maybe ten hours sleep a week, with at least two nights a week of no sleep at all, as last night was.  As soon as I begin drifting to sleep, I stop breathing. Yes, it does sound like sleep apnea, doctor is busy running tests because he says I also have some kind of heart issue.  Now I get to deal with nightly anxiety caused by not knowing if I’ll sleep, and life is a big bowl of cherries right now.

So – I find a piece of paper on my desk titled “My SP Plan.” Short for Suicide project.  It is a detailed list of things to do before checking out. I’d say the odds are against me following through, but it is a lucid itinerary for a final trip, jotted down as the items pop into my mind.

I keep picturing family members who have already passed, waiting for me…Mom, Dad, Uncles, Aunts, my little boy Hooks, all standing there with open arms, and it’s a comforting fantasy.  This life…it’s just getting old, you know? I can honestly say there really isn’t anything life has to offer that interests me anymore…essentially, I’m bored.  My cremation is paid for, my affairs are sufficiently ordered, I’ve managed to have no debt, save for the current months credit card bill. My method is loaded and waiting…all that I own is within the walls of my apartment.  And a pickup truck that’s paid for.  Beneficiaries are in place on four random accounts, all the money I have, and it goes to siblings. No will, no trust, no hassles, no exorbitant mess to clean up. I’m a simple, dull person. I don’t need much. It won’t be a lot of work to clean up my “stuff”.

Yet I am afraid, unable to process life without my beating heart in it.  I’m exhausted.

Tears are welling up right now, my mind and body are both severely fatigued and depressed. I’m standing next to myself, observing all this, and it’s exhilarating.  God I miss my boy. And yet, there’s no guarantee of any reunions with old familiar faces. None whatsoever. The transition from living to expired may be a final flick of a switch resulting in…  nothing. No awareness of time and space, no memories, no conscious thought at all. How does one take solace in the peace of death if conscious thought doesn’t accompany the change? Imagine? A lifetime of living, just plain off…disconnected, and then nothing…not even an awareness of a lack of awareness of thought.

That would be something.

God I need sleep, badly.

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9 comments

chinadoll4 2/28/2021 - 5:11 pm

I think I know what you mean about just being tired of living. I’ve been feeling the same for a while, too.

When I was little, there was this book about a kid and a potato farm and whatever, but the biggest part that’s stuck with me all these years is that the kids grandfather, his sole caretaker, was dying. There was nothing wrong with him; he was a picture of good health. Nobody could figure out why he was dying.

When the kid brought the potato farm back to life and saved the day and everything, the grandfather suddenly got so much better. It’s a typical happy ending and stuff, but the way the author explained it was that the grandfather was just *so* *done* and wanted to die, so his body just kinda started shutting down. I think about that a lot.

It might not be helpful, but your post kind of resonates with that idea in my head, so hopefully it’s at least something for you to think about.

Even if the rest of life feels pointless, I hope that at least something nice happens to you today.

Once 2/28/2021 - 5:26 pm

Thanks for the sentiment. You know, the other thing is, I’m aware of how blessed I truly am – for me, it’s the little things, relative good health, cats, independence that are my blessings. Real blessings, not purchased items, and I’m eternally grateful for them. But all subsequent tomorrow’s will just be more yesterday’s and todays…and what’s so exciting about that? Sigh. Thanks for commenting.

Jack 2/28/2021 - 5:38 pm

Can you take some pills or natural remedies to help you to sleep?

Once 2/28/2021 - 6:33 pm

Yes. The doctor gave me some good stuff, but they don’t fix the breathing issue, and that’s the problem. They make me sleepy but I can’t sleep cuz I stop breathing…it’s annoying.

Jack 2/28/2021 - 7:17 pm

Can you try something else? What are you going to do?

Once 3/1/2021 - 12:50 am

I will probably have to have a sleep study done to see how bad the problem is and might have to wear a cpap mask.

heartlessviking 2/28/2021 - 10:10 pm

Ugh, I haven’t been through that level of sleep deprivation, but I have gone through a week on about 20 hours of sleep and that was unbearable. At this point, psychologically, physically, your body is running on a skeleton crew. The resources just aren’t there, and that’s a place I’ve spent much longer in. So, run what you can, fuck the rest.

That’s where I’m at. I can’t keep up, not even remotely with my current energy level. So, do what I can, try to be pleased with any progress, no matter how small. You have a doctor, that’s progress. I’m about to switch mine, but I’m grateful for insurance that will cover the appointment, small pleasures are the only ones I’ve been able to get for months.

Glass half full; live has dealt you a bum hand. If you are neutral in terms of your affect towards other people, they’ll be nice to you. It would be lovely if you could sleep, but fantasy does absolutely nothing at this point. You take what you can get, leave the rest by the wayside.

Once 3/1/2021 - 12:58 am

I’m actually averaging closer to twenty hours a week myself, I track each nights sleep time. The tough part is between 4 and 7 a.m. on the nights with no sleep. I desperately want to be asleep but just cant. I’ve been abusing weed for over year and a half and quit cold turkey and I think I’m dealing with some withdrawal issues. It sucks.

TheOpenRoad 3/1/2021 - 6:16 pm

i think we all believe in what we want most, and that’s what counts. you want to see the people you love on the other side? i believe you will. hope you’re sleeping better.

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