An Explanation for those I Love

To those I love, don’t worry, I am not going anywhere. I have apparently made it worth it to go on in life, unfortunately that does not mean I have lived happily. You wonder why I am different,  wonder why I am not like my brother or how I came to be this way. You might think I am simply sad or angry, but that is not how it works. I’m lonely, miserable, and depressed. And even if you show me that you love and care for me and the people around me make it seem like I got good company, my mind finds a way to make me feel lonely. And you’re misunderstanding of what I am feeling pisses me off.

So to answer any ideas you might have, no I am not sad or angry. I am fucking depressed. If I am sad I don’t know why I am sad, I just am. Some minor inconvenience happened at work and my mind dwelled on it. Somebody did or didn’t say anything to me and my mind dwelled on it. You said something jokingly or meaningless and I took it to heart and my mind dwelled on it. Thats what it is, it is literally my mind being so fucked up it has no idea how to process shit. If I am going to cry over something that you think is not that serious, I am going to cry over that shit, because I’m a softy and I am depressed as shit. Open your fucking eyes. Mom, you told me once that maybe this is just a phase. Well this phase has dragged on for eight fucking years. Tell me, Mom, when will it end? I want this to end.