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i love you, i want you dead

by system

“I will xoxo. I hope someday you’ll truly realize how much I love you, how much I care for you & how I’ll never do anything to bring you harm ever again. your body is just so perfect to me, I adore your personality & the way you feel for me & love me makes me wanna break down. please don’t confuse me wanting your body, as the only reason I talk to you.”

oh, trust me, I fucking know that’s not the only reason you talked to me.  you spoke to me because you wanted to keep me wrapped around your finger.  you spoke to me because i was your plaything.  you spoke to me because torturing me and seeing how i would still say “i love you” after you reduced me to nothing gave you a sick kind of thrill.  you spoke to me because you are a psychopath and i am an easy target.  i am emotionally vulnerable.  i was already an abuse victim before you came into the picture.  eight years, ******.  eight years of abuse, and you made it nine.  i lost the majority of my childhood to violent, manipulative child predators.  you knew that.  because the moment i realized the kind of situation i was in, i tried to guilt you into leaving me alone.  it didn’t work.  you were everything to me.  you were my entire world, but you took every bit of life out of me.

internal dialogue, 9:00 PM

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you ****** i hate you

i wish i was DEAD

you fucking plague me every single day, i can’t sleep without seeing your face in my nightmares.

you lied to me

you lied you lied you lied you lied you lied

you’re horrifying.

i’m terrified of you to the point that my brain has confused it for love.  i love you, ******.  i hope you die.

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2 comments

Once 3/5/2021 - 12:05 am

It’s amazing that the human (heart, soul, mind) is capable of formulating that last sentence in your post. It’s tragic, really…if only we had the sense to forego our need for acceptance and love when we are certain that it’s going to harm us…but no, we (myself included ) walk into these little shit traps because “it feels so right…” .

system 3/5/2021 - 12:46 am

100%, the complexity of it all is astounding.

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