There is no going back to that other person, that other place, this thing, this stranger, she is all you are now.
Just a line from a movie, but it is so true.
There is no healing in regression, because regression is not an option. There is only forward motion and it’s pain, or there is stagnation, and its pain. Either way. The universe holds its arms wide open to you, and says “Welcome”, as it smears shit across your face and destroys your heart.
For me, the worst pain is the pain inflicted by a taunting promise that says change is possible, yet inside, I’m too crippled by fear and rage and hate to make change. So I stand in this mess, in its never ending same-ness, smelling it’s stink and pondering death. You coward. You want it, but you’re too afraid even to end your useless existence. You stupid coward.
3 comments
You never can go home again…. that place you used to belong was only for then, and now ain’t that time.
The most revolutionary thing we can imagine is to go, yet we are told over and over that there are reasons not to. Coward might be that reason. Then again, I think it’s faulty gene programming. The mental immune system as it were, it wants us to go on. Yet, in us it is weak enough for us to hear the howling void calling for us to join.
So, either get your mental immune system fixed, or learn to suppress it enough. Enough for what? What did you think we were talking about, that which we don’t talk about enough, yet is a well covered topic in this particular locality. [death, I’ve been told I am not sufficiently subtle to get my hint across.]
If the mental immune system insists on suffering, so be it. The jokes on us. Any modern software in use today has a backdoor, an access for engineers to use when a user locks themselves out. The mental immune system is no different, the way I see it, and as soon as I have all the numbers of its sophisticated combination lock, it’s Ctrl Alt Delete and goodnight. This life is just not all its cracked up to be anymore. I’m so (almost) ready…
I have a feeling life is actual Hell and at the end of our life on Hell, we get to heaven which will make us appreciate the fk out of that restful “eternity” but also leaving hell knowing what not to do in the next life. But then u got hard headed dummies like myself who obviously didnt learn a damn thing from the other life and is just accepting the fact that i might be masochistic lmao