There is no going back to that other person, that other place, this thing, this stranger, she is all you are now.
Just a line from a movie, but it is so true.
There is no healing in regression, because regression is not an option. There is only forward motion and it’s pain, or there is stagnation, and its pain. Either way. The universe holds its arms wide open to you, and says “Welcome”, as it smears shit across your face and destroys your heart.
For me, the worst pain is the pain inflicted by a taunting promise that says change is possible, yet inside, I’m too crippled by fear and rage and hate to make change. So I stand in this mess, in its never ending same-ness, smelling it’s stink and pondering death. You coward. You want it, but you’re too afraid even to end your useless existence. You stupid coward.