Today, I went to a farm. It’s owned by a friend that I used to work with, and her wife. I went to discuss some personal issues. I’ve never really been that close with her, but she’s the type of person I felt I could open up to about having suicidal thoughts, and about my excessive drug use this past year. So I opened up, just a bit. She opened up about periods in her past, periods of extremely deep depression and suicidal thoughts. She talked about excessively drinking to deal with her pain during these times. I was surprised to hear this from her, she’s the last person I would’ve suspected of being suicidal, even if it was years ago.
I got to know her a little bit better today, and I’m glad…I thought about not going, but went anyways, and I’m glad I did. She was a Buddhist nun many years ago. She took care of horses for a police department and watched a close friend, a police officer, die after being accidentally shot in the head. She and I worked together at an animal shelter eight years ago, and she is now it’s executive director.
They have a lot of goats and sheep and horses. I got to hold a baby goat that is about three weeks old…I held it for about fifteen minutes, and it loved being held. It was so cool. I tossed hay to horses, and learned that her big goat pees on its own head to attract women goats. She gave me a dozen eggs, freshly laid – I had to wash hen filth off them when I got home. I’ve never washed hen filth off eggs. It was amazing. The ground was wet and muddy and there was animal poop everywhere. She said that if I ever need to just get away and do something, busy work to keep my mind occupied, I could come to her farm and they’d find me something to do…I’ll probably take up her up on that.
By her actions and attitude, I get the feeling that she knows I’m in a very, very dark place. She gave me permission to use her name as an emergency contact to come to my apartment to pick up my cats if something happens to me.
Someone gave a shit about me today. Today was a decent day, and I’m grateful.