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An Undertow

by J Doe

I’ve already posted this week. I’ve already drained my head out. Things have gotten worse. I can feel it pulling me. I want to die. I need to die. I often have moments of extreme anger and aggression. I think about it for a moment and I realize it comes from the fact that I feel like I have no control over my life. The thing is if I think about it a bit more, I realize I am in complete control of my life. I am pathetic and worthless and won’t amount to anything because I choose to be pathetic and worthless and not to amount to anything. I have had every opportunity to be better than I am and I took none of them. It could be out of fear or doubt or simple laziness. But it was still me who chose. Lately I go to sleep wanting to die and I wake up wanting to die and I am on the bus on the way to the cafeteria wanting to die. It’s pulling me down. My mind is in this strange split place where I fantasize about a great life and happiness and then another half that sees the reality of my poor decisions and has me wallow in my own self hatred and past failures. I thought about stepping into the middle of the street while a car was passing by. I immediately thought it wouldn’t work as the car was only going about 35 and I would just be dragging somebody into something bad. I don’t know.

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TheOpenRoad 4/10/2021 - 12:24 pm

I’m sorry man. I get that you think you’re too lazy to do anything about taking control of your life, but like, dude, you literally want to die. If you think about that really well, it’s gotta release you from all the shit you’re thinking. You’re prepared to take your fucking life. What does any of it matter then? Whatever you do, you’re safe. You can opt out of the consequences anytime you like. So idk grab your great life and happiness with both hands. Nothing’s stopping you.

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