An Undertow

I’ve already posted this week. I’ve already drained my head out. Things have gotten worse. I can feel it pulling me. I want to die. I need to die. I often have moments of extreme anger and aggression. I think about it for a moment and I realize it comes from the fact that I feel like I have no control over my life. The thing is if I think about it a bit more, I realize I am in complete control of my life. I am pathetic and worthless and won’t amount to anything because I choose to be pathetic and worthless and not to amount to anything. I have had every opportunity to be better than I am and I took none of them. It could be out of fear or doubt or simple laziness. But it was still me who chose. Lately I go to sleep wanting to die and I wake up wanting to die and I am on the bus on the way to the cafeteria wanting to die. It’s pulling me down. My mind is in this strange split place where I fantasize about a great life and happiness and then another half that sees the reality of my poor decisions and has me wallow in my own self hatred and past failures. I thought about stepping into the middle of the street while a car was passing by. I immediately thought it wouldn’t work as the car was only going about 35 and I would just be dragging somebody into something bad. I don’t know.