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Day Eight in the Hospital – I’ll try not to repeat the same thoughts as the last few days

by ivygradhc

Yes,   I am still here.     I can say I do not want to be here but I am not referring to the hospital.   I still want to disappear from it all.  Thus it is best I am here as I am trying to keep promises.

I did get some positive news today and that is they found a facility to where I can transfer and receive some extended treatment (up to 30 days) Right now I am just in the psychiatric unit of the county hospital with detox and patients with other issues.   While I do meet with the Dr and they do have some group therapy I am not finding it very helpful.    I’ll take what little I can learn at least.

The problem I have with therapy or group therapy is with the counselor, psychologist, psychiatric tech or Social worker (with counseling certification).  I do not want to be condescending but in a lot of cases I am smarter than these people.   I will never flaunt that or use it to be mean or anything but I just cannot see any value in this.  If it group therapy I will never interfere with them but I find myself wanting to withdraw and not participate.     One individual session I had years ago I had a social worker tell me I needed to have “Happy Thoughts”   Maybe the idea was right but the delivery sounded like I was being counseled by Bozo the Clown.

Well,   that is something new about me that I have shared so I will give myself a plus for that against all the other items about which I continually beat myself up.

I still see no end to this depression.   I truly hope I find that in a new facility and continued care after that.    The plan I have after this program is to go back to my regular therapist whom I trust and she is going to arrange for me to have EMDR therapy.   Given that some of my major issues go back to forgiveness and memories of the past This looks promising.   A friend of my Sister actually does this therapy in another state and she spoke with me and explained how it works, so I am not going in blindly.

I am still fighting this feeling that it will not get better and in fact is terminal, thus I should have plan B ready to just finish it.   However I will  do my best to deal with that one day at a time.

Thank you all for feedback.

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system 4/21/2021 - 10:35 pm

I’m so proud of you. Thank you for remaining with us through all of the pain. EMDR is fantastic, it’s good to hear that you’re going to try it. It’s great for trauma, anxiety, and just depression in general. Hopefully it should aid you in processing some old memories that contribute to your issues. I wish you the best.

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