Facepalm

Last night was interesting, something happened with my husband and he got up to asking me what was wrong and doing the whole, “what did I (he) do” thing, which drives me insane, I’ve told him 1,000 times that it’s not him. Anyways, all words just get caught in my throat when I’m in an emotionally charged state so I just sent him a text since my voice was lost, the intended message was apparently a little vague. Rather than what was actually going through my head, he read it as me wanting to commit suicide, it makes sense since this is something we have discussed in the past, I should have been more clear, it’s not wrong per se but that wasn’t where I was going. Interestingly, when I realized what he thought I just went with it rather than telling him what I actually meant, it seemed preferable. This leads to questions and statements like, “I don’t want to make you unhappy”, “what do you want/need”, “I thought you were feeling better”, and so on. Remembering I’m all twisted up and can’t talk (he is better at verbal communication like that so he just reads the text then comes to talk to me) I can’t say anything in response. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
What do I want/need? I don’t need anything. I want to forget, I want all the pain to end, and I want permission to leave this world. I’m holding on to threads.
Better? Yeah, I was, but I keep trying to explain that one minute I’m okay and the next I might not be and vice versa, between the BPD and bipolar my moods are all over the place.
I want to further explain to him the depth of what I’m going through right now but I feel too pathetic. It’s been almost two decades since the abuse ended, it was buried for so damn long, everything appeared fine (sort of), suddenly I’m reliving it all and tearing myself apart. We’ve been married almost 11 years now and in all that time it was never like this. How do you explain that it’s just unearthing itself? He knows about the abuse, but just the general “something happened”, that’s all I really knew, it’s was all so foggy it was easy to blame anything else for my behaviors, but bits and pieces are popping up and killing me, changing me. I don’t know if anyone can understand what it’s like to believe you are normal and then one day remember that, “oh yeah, this is why you are fucked up”, and start spiraling down to where I belong. Everything I thought I was turned out to be a lie, so much I never recognized for what it was, trauma responses parading around as normal. I think I finally see how much it affected my life, everyone always wondered why I was the way I was, only my husband knows, but even he knows so little and doesn’t see the scope of it.
I wonder if I’m that good at hiding this stuff, or if everyone else is blind. Has he really not noticed how often I’m high, how fast the booze is disappearing, how disconnected I’ve been? I almost let him in on the fact I’ve been high a good 6/7 days a week, especially while trying to focus on work, but I don’t want him to get angry with me or try to make me stop  I can’t cope sober, I’m barely coping at all.