Home General Facepalm
Report Post

Facepalm

by Abnormal.Thoughts

Last night was interesting, something happened with my husband and he got up to asking me what was wrong and doing the whole, “what did I (he) do” thing, which drives me insane, I’ve told him 1,000 times that it’s not him. Anyways, all words just get caught in my throat when I’m in an emotionally charged state so I just sent him a text since my voice was lost, the intended message was apparently a little vague. Rather than what was actually going through my head, he read it as me wanting to commit suicide, it makes sense since this is something we have discussed in the past, I should have been more clear, it’s not wrong per se but that wasn’t where I was going. Interestingly, when I realized what he thought I just went with it rather than telling him what I actually meant, it seemed preferable. This leads to questions and statements like, “I don’t want to make you unhappy”, “what do you want/need”, “I thought you were feeling better”, and so on. Remembering I’m all twisted up and can’t talk (he is better at verbal communication like that so he just reads the text then comes to talk to me) I can’t say anything in response. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
What do I want/need? I don’t need anything. I want to forget, I want all the pain to end, and I want permission to leave this world. I’m holding on to threads.
Better? Yeah, I was, but I keep trying to explain that one minute I’m okay and the next I might not be and vice versa, between the BPD and bipolar my moods are all over the place.
I want to further explain to him the depth of what I’m going through right now but I feel too pathetic. It’s been almost two decades since the abuse ended, it was buried for so damn long, everything appeared fine (sort of), suddenly I’m reliving it all and tearing myself apart. We’ve been married almost 11 years now and in all that time it was never like this. How do you explain that it’s just unearthing itself? He knows about the abuse, but just the general “something happened”, that’s all I really knew, it’s was all so foggy it was easy to blame anything else for my behaviors, but bits and pieces are popping up and killing me, changing me. I don’t know if anyone can understand what it’s like to believe you are normal and then one day remember that, “oh yeah, this is why you are fucked up”, and start spiraling down to where I belong. Everything I thought I was turned out to be a lie, so much I never recognized for what it was, trauma responses parading around as normal. I think I finally see how much it affected my life, everyone always wondered why I was the way I was, only my husband knows, but even he knows so little and doesn’t see the scope of it.
I wonder if I’m that good at hiding this stuff, or if everyone else is blind. Has he really not noticed how often I’m high, how fast the booze is disappearing, how disconnected I’ve been? I almost let him in on the fact I’ve been high a good 6/7 days a week, especially while trying to focus on work, but I don’t want him to get angry with me or try to make me stop  I can’t cope sober, I’m barely coping at all.

4 comments
2

Related posts

4 comments

Robert77 4/21/2021 - 4:53 pm

Well at least what you are saying is helping me understand my ex wife whom I was seeing again and now Im not because she started making me into someone I am not in her mind. For years I never believed she had BPD but only bipolar but I have had to face the reality that she is both. Her doctors labeled her these things and ADHD on top of it. I just thought they were labels except the bipolar part. I stand to be corrected. I did ask her whats wrong a lot and she would get frustrated and always say it wasn’t me. Then at times it was all me and Im just controlling her. I couldn’t control even her spending $1000’s on junk and gambling let alone anything else. I don’t even know where she gets that. This has been real fun for me being severely depressed. Been dealing with this for over 25 years and am still at a loss. Im so sorry you have to deal with these awful illnesses. I really hope she isn’t reliving the unspeakable things that happen to her when she was a teen. Now I want to cry.

Abnormal.Thoughts 4/21/2021 - 5:10 pm

“ Then at times it was all me and Im just controlling her. I couldn’t control even her spending $1000’s on junk and gambling let alone anything else.”
Lol, this is exactly what my husband says about me. Not about money and gambling but anything. I laugh, I shouldn’t, but the irony is comical. Anyways, sometimes, inexplicably, it can feel like someone is being controlling when maybe they really aren’t, it’s just perceived that way.
It seems like you really care for your ex, it can be very difficult to be with someone that has BPD, especially if you get comorbidity along with it, I hope that both of you can find some hope/peace/whatever you want to label it.
It’s hard, I hope she isn’t reliving it either.

thedevilisclose 4/21/2021 - 5:14 pm

when i first got together with my husband outside of being depressed, i myself didnt know everything that was wrong, so i couldnt tell him. we are both learning together. and recently he said something to me, i dont remember exactly what it was but basically “its nice knowing that you arent just a *****”. it hurt me to think that he thought that. i really didnt mean to, but im grateful that he is more understanding now.

Abnormal.Thoughts 4/21/2021 - 5:30 pm

**hugs for both of you**

Leave a Comment