I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried everything but there is nothing left. I’ve even gone to a psychiatrist hoping that she would help me but i just couldn’t help but feel like i was being judged. A culprit defending himself. Yesterday i didn’t feel like going but i had to since the doctor had postoned one of her meetings to meet me; However i just couldn’t answer any of her questions ,i got defensive. She got mad, even though she tried to hide it i could feel her anger then she said that i was depressed, told me that next time i should think of a subject to talk about before coming then gave me the card of another therapist n told me to go see her. She then told me that she wanted to talk to my mother. After questionning my mother , she admited that the doctor had told her that i wasn’t receptive and that i would give her vague answers, she also told her that i should take the antidepressants she just prescribed to me and that she would see me in 6 weeks. I feel betrayed , it is true that i wasn’t very talkative that day , but was it worth the punishment? She was my last hope, i thought she’d help me , I thought i could escape this nightmare, I thought there was a way out. All i wanted was someone , anyone to help me. I’ve been seing her for more than a month , and i told her so many things i’ve never told anyone before, i trusted her. Am i really this unloveable? i punished myself as usual. I’ve been thinking of a way out. If there’s someone reading this, please reach out for help before it’s too late. Yes, sometimes it is too late but don’t let it get to that point. I’m a surviver of child abuse and have had depression for many many years. The last time i felt joy was two years ago. I wanna go back so bad.
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I think you’ve done more than enough, you need to understand that movement and being busy is a disguise for being lost. To be able to sit in the quiet, and accept that perhaps it is all meaningless…. that is the nearest to death I think any of us can hope for and still talk about it.
I’m with you on the agony, on how alone I feel some days. I know, however, that my mind likes to make that how it appears, when really I’m being closed off. Someone cares about you friend, the sad uncomfortable truth is that you need more. Yet, you don’t ask. I think this is part of your low self concept. The thing is; you have the right to matter to the people in your life, the right to form a self image dictated by who you want to be and not how others treat you.
Consider; all is arbitrary. Everything that we pretend matters was made up by some other humans. What matters to our bodies; we have food to eat, we sleep, and we move around a bit. Preferably more than a bit. Give your body what it needs. It needs contact of another living thing, but this can be somewhat filled by a cat or a dog.
Every day I make the best of what I’ve got. I encourage you to do likewise. It’s a drab hopeless prison, and that is the way most people feel. Get past that; so what if it is? Even in the darkest prison you can amuse yourself, even lacking any happiness there is still bitter gallows humor. Of course you’re going to die someday, and maybe that will be that. On the other hand; today is still undecided, and you might be able to make something out of it.