I don’t know how to fully explain this feeling.I’m certain that I’m going to die soon. Actually I’ve been taking antidepressants on and off (SSRI) and I would take 5 mg for days then switch to ten, then not take it for some days really depending on my moods. Honestly, I got very paranoid I felt like taking them would change me completely and make me an idiot for the rest of my life. I also had some very troubling thoughts about burning myself it was almost as if I was obsessing over the idea of doing it . I wanted to burn myself to death so bad. I just stopped taking them abruptly. It’s been three months that I haven’t seen my psychiatrist and now I’m obssessing about my death.Btw I’m diagnosed with severe depression.I can’t stop thinking that I’m going to die soon, I’m not as depressed as I was before it just feels like I’m not living in reality idk it’s just a very weird feeling I feel like I’m dreaming and I’m always distracted I can’t concentrate on anything. This is so weird it’s scaring me. At times I feel like someone’s watching me or I can’t look at myself on the mirror because I feel like I’m looking at the devil.It’s very hard to explain, I feel like there is someone in me trying to hurt me, someone whispering to me that I should burn or die. And I get so overwhelmed by that voice that I find myself very close to doing what is being said to me then in a blink of an eye I feel like I’m back to reality and everything feels like it was a dream. Once I got guided to the rooftop and I was standing at the edge about to jump, it almost felt like I was mesmerized. Other times I burn myself pretty badly ( third degree burns) it makes me laugh hysterically.I feel ecstatic. My response to pain is very abnormal especially to being burned. Please give me some advice idk what the hell is happening
I’ve fought so hard for this. My whole life, I’ve never been able to feel positive emotions . I can remember some memories from when I truly felt joy, when I used to hang out with some friends but nothing more than that. I’ve spent hours days trying to dig up some happy memories but nothing. I’m nothing more than an abused child, nothing more than my past. I wanna be able to feel something, anything. All I can think about nonstop is how to hurt myself. I’ve thought about burning myself to death, cutting a finger, breaking a leg. Some very violent ideas are living in my mind. Anger is all I have. When I hurt myself I feel so much better, not just better I feel ecstatic. I start laughing hysterically. I’ve tried using hunger to stop these thoughts, I’d drink and eat nothing for a day or two , it worked for a while but not anymore. I often get these intrusive thoughts where I kill my abuser, a family member, or my cat. It feels so real. I know I wouldn’t hurt anyone, I couldn’t. The most I do is scream at my mother and then apologize right after. I’ve been thinking about telling someone else to break my leg or jumping from the rooftop. I wonder how I would feel when greater pain is inflicted on me. The most ecstatic I’ve felt is when I’ve burned myself. Left some very naughty scars on my arm, now I can’t wear t-shirts even tho it’s fucking hot out here. Doesn’t matter, I just wonder how it’d feel to have my whole body burned. I get goosebumps just by thinking about it. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but this isn’t normal is it ? I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression and I’ve been taking antidepressants on and off. I started taking them again today tho. I can’t concentrate on my studies, and I have less than a month left for my finals. Everything is on the stake. If I get a bad grade, I’ll probably just kill myself. Somebody please give me some advice, I’d do anything.
Hey my friends ! I really wanna know how everybody’s doing. What’s something that made you laugh this past week? Did you run into an old acquaintance? How is life right now ?
I think i might suffer from ptsd And my relationship with my father is pretty bad. We’ve never been really close especially after some events that happened in my childhood. Long story short, verbal and physical abuse. He even used to beat my cat. At best, he would totally ignore my existence, greeting everyone on the table except me, at worst call me a dog in front of guests, whispering that i was digusting. I was pretty badly beaten by my sibling n he n my mum would make me apologize everytime that happened. It was pretty rough man. Sometimes i wonder how i made It out alive. I’m pretty weak personality and emotions wise. I’ve learned how to be obedient so now we just act like nothing happened. I laugh when he makes jokes, greet him with a smile, listen to his crap. Overall, I’m just really afraid of him. Whenever we’re alone, I feel my heart tightening up n time moves slowly. I just can’t take it anymore. I feel like a waken person living with zombies. They act as if nothing happened n I have to fucking play along. Today, my dad called me couldn’t stop fucking talking about what he did today then he started lecturing me about communication skills and how I should be forgiving. Man, something inside me just cracked. Some pretty violent ideas came through my mind, I fucking hate him, I hate this, everything. I fucking wanna die. He destroyed every little piece of self esteem I’ve tried building these days. Now back to point 0. God help me, idk what to do anymore. I have some very important exams coming up, and I’m so behind. I wanna get out of here, I wanna go home, i wanna feel warmth n love. Being severely depressed doesn’t help. There’s just nothing in me. Please I need advice, somebody help me out I beg you.
I’m really losing my mind and i don’t know what to do. i just can’t get used to this feeling, the sadness, the hopelessness. I feel nothing. The only two emotions that exist in my mind are anger and sadness. I don’t wanna die but Im extremely tired. My psychiatrist prescribed antidepressants , but i don’t know i’ve read so many bad things abt them. I’m afraid that they would change me or make me « dumber ». If someone has already tried em, please help me out.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried everything but there is nothing left. I’ve even gone to a psychiatrist hoping that she would help me but i just couldn’t help but feel like i was being judged. A culprit defending himself. Yesterday i didn’t feel like going but i had to since the doctor had postoned one of her meetings to meet me; However i just couldn’t answer any of her questions ,i got defensive. She got mad, even though she tried to hide it i could feel her anger then she said that i was depressed, told me that next time i should think of a subject to talk about before coming then gave me the card of another therapist n told me to go see her. She then told me that she wanted to talk to my mother. After questionning my mother , she admited that the doctor had told her that i wasn’t receptive and that i would give her vague answers, she also told her that i should take the antidepressants she just prescribed to me and that she would see me in 6 weeks. I feel betrayed , it is true that i wasn’t very talkative that day , but was it worth the punishment? She was my last hope, i thought she’d help me , I thought i could escape this nightmare, I thought there was a way out. All i wanted was someone , anyone to help me. I’ve been seing her for more than a month , and i told her so many things i’ve never told anyone before, i trusted her. Am i really this unloveable? i punished myself as usual. I’ve been thinking of a way out. If there’s someone reading this, please reach out for help before it’s too late. Yes, sometimes it is too late but don’t let it get to that point. I’m a surviver of child abuse and have had depression for many many years. The last time i felt joy was two years ago. I wanna go back so bad.