What happens after we die ? I wonder. Am I gonna find myself in a beautiful village with habitants full of love attention who would care for me when I’m sick, be happy for me when I succeed, accompany me in the worst times. We would laugh together about silly jokes, eat every meal together, play outside and take care of Farm animals. The view from our house would be breathtaking and everyone would get along. But most importantly, I would have forgotten everything,, every little bit of abuse, self hatred and abomination from this current life. I really hope this heaven awaits me for I am coming soon.
When I was young, I was always treated as the ugly duck, people would tell me I look like a witch with my nose, say the my face is too masculine and ask why I have this big of a nose. Even this year , some girls told me that they wouldn’t recognize me without a mask. I didn’t understand what they meant by that( I had a crush on one of them). Then recently I was hanging out with some girls and I told them that I found one guy very attractive. They encouraged me to go talk to that person and one of them ( the mean group leader ) suggested that I keep my mask on because I quote “ you look way better with it “ and you’d have more chances to get his number. Honestly, I’ve been complimented many times on my looks but it was mainly directed to my body. When I don’t wear something revealing and do my hair, I automatically become ugly and unrecognizable. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I don’t think I could with the nose that I have. Plus I’m gonna move to Europe this September for my studies and I don’t wanna be viewed the same way by others. I’ve never been popular in high school especially among the popular pretty girls and boys and I don’t want to. I just want to feel comfortable enough in my body to be able to express myself freely.
I wanna get a nose job, I don’t know how to explain it but I don’t feel woman enough with this nose. I just don’t feel good about it even if I get complimented it doesn’t change anything I’m too aware of it at all time, it’s weird like something very heavy I have to carry on plus it’s not only when I’m with people, it’s actually worse when I’m alone .I hate it more when I’m alone because there is no distraction whatsoever to free me from these thoughts. I don’t know what my nose represents to me but I feel like it holds a very big meaning emotionally and I’m convinced that if I fix it it’s gonna help me fix many other things mentally. I can’t help but think sometimes that I gave in and that even tho I don’t like it I should just bear with it. That’s not how people are supposed to live is it ? Just going through life with no joy no self love no aspirations, I should try to make my life better by all means or it’s just never gonna change. It’s not really just about a nose, it never is. It’s time that I act on my ideas and stop being a frightened little *****. However, I can’t help but think that I let people win and that I loose a battle if I get a nose job. I’m also afraid I’d feel worse after getting one. I don’t know what to do anymore, please somebody help me.
I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die help help help please please please please anyone anyone nothing hurts anymore I feel kinda free help me
It is very difficult to express the way I feel on a daily basis. Today, I was supposed to study for my finals but i didn’t. Thoughts kept running through my mind, and I imagined a whole conversation with a psychiatrist and kept talking to him for 3 hours. It felt like I was in a bubble, it felt so real. I’ve always been like this, since I do not have close friends, there’s no one to share my thoughts with, so I imagine people in my mind. Oh lord loneliness has become my home. I feel very awkward when engaging in a real conversation with other people. I’m no more in control of what comes out of their mouths, they’re not as thoughtful and kind as my imaginary psychiatrist. I have never been in a relationship which is very abnormal for a person my age. My mother is apathetic, she can’t express emotions, my father is a violent man and my older sibling suffers from schizophrenia. Let’s just say I don’t know how to express emotions . I don’t know how to socialize. I am utterly obsessed with people. Whenever I’m out, I observe everyone around me, Their spontaneity, their playfulness. I couldn’t ever use my words in such an intelligent way. Half the time, I don’t even have control of the words that come out of my mouth. I wanna have someone that likes me, see a genuine smile meant for me. I’ve never heard a word of encouragement from my mother. She is barely alive, never have I seen her mad or sad. I maybe see her laugh once in a month. She doesn’t like it when I talk too much, I’ve never had a pleasant conversation with my mum. We only talk about necessities. Once I couldn’t stop crying, she was sitting next to me with her phone on her hands. Saw me, came to me, asked me how I was, I told her I was fine and she came back to what she was doing. I was very obviously not fine, haven’t eaten for 3 days, haven’t gone to school either. My dad started visiting me more often, my mum told me that he thinks I’m gonna end it soon . Well, he wasn’t wrong, I have been praying for my death. I wanna burn myself alive. It’s just very sad that I have never had a person care for me, I wish I’d have had someone. I’ve prayed n prayed for someone to help me, anyone. I wonder how it feels to be genuinely hugged. I ask my mum for hugs all the time, she gives them to me mechanically. I wonder what goes on in her mind, what she’s always thinking about. I wonder if she’ll feel something when I’m not around . She’ll probably be relieved. She has told me in the past that I was responsible for her unhappiness and that I was a manipulative person that was hoping for her decline. I am not, I swear. At that time, I was planning my suicide attempt, and she was fuel to my everlasting anger. I hope People will remember some of my good deeds.
I don’t know how to fully explain this feeling.I’m certain that I’m going to die soon. Actually I’ve been taking antidepressants on and off (SSRI) and I would take 5 mg for days then switch to ten, then not take it for some days really depending on my moods. Honestly, I got very paranoid I felt like taking them would change me completely and make me an idiot for the rest of my life. I also had some very troubling thoughts about burning myself it was almost as if I was obsessing over the idea of doing it . I wanted to burn myself to death so bad. I just stopped taking them abruptly. It’s been three months that I haven’t seen my psychiatrist and now I’m obssessing about my death.Btw I’m diagnosed with severe depression.I can’t stop thinking that I’m going to die soon, I’m not as depressed as I was before it just feels like I’m not living in reality idk it’s just a very weird feeling I feel like I’m dreaming and I’m always distracted I can’t concentrate on anything. This is so weird it’s scaring me. At times I feel like someone’s watching me or I can’t look at myself on the mirror because I feel like I’m looking at the devil.It’s very hard to explain, I feel like there is someone in me trying to hurt me, someone whispering to me that I should burn or die. And I get so overwhelmed by that voice that I find myself very close to doing what is being said to me then in a blink of an eye I feel like I’m back to reality and everything feels like it was a dream. Once I got guided to the rooftop and I was standing at the edge about to jump, it almost felt like I was mesmerized. Other times I burn myself pretty badly ( third degree burns) it makes me laugh hysterically.I feel ecstatic. My response to pain is very abnormal especially to being burned. Please give me some advice idk what the hell is happening
I’ve fought so hard for this. My whole life, I’ve never been able to feel positive emotions . I can remember some memories from when I truly felt joy, when I used to hang out with some friends but nothing more than that. I’ve spent hours days trying to dig up some happy memories but nothing. I’m nothing more than an abused child, nothing more than my past. I wanna be able to feel something, anything. All I can think about nonstop is how to hurt myself. I’ve thought about burning myself to death, cutting a finger, breaking a leg. Some very violent ideas are living in my mind. Anger is all I have. When I hurt myself I feel so much better, not just better I feel ecstatic. I start laughing hysterically. I’ve tried using hunger to stop these thoughts, I’d drink and eat nothing for a day or two , it worked for a while but not anymore. I often get these intrusive thoughts where I kill my abuser, a family member, or my cat. It feels so real. I know I wouldn’t hurt anyone, I couldn’t. The most I do is scream at my mother and then apologize right after. I’ve been thinking about telling someone else to break my leg or jumping from the rooftop. I wonder how I would feel when greater pain is inflicted on me. The most ecstatic I’ve felt is when I’ve burned myself. Left some very naughty scars on my arm, now I can’t wear t-shirts even tho it’s fucking hot out here. Doesn’t matter, I just wonder how it’d feel to have my whole body burned. I get goosebumps just by thinking about it. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but this isn’t normal is it ? I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression and I’ve been taking antidepressants on and off. I started taking them again today tho. I can’t concentrate on my studies, and I have less than a month left for my finals. Everything is on the stake. If I get a bad grade, I’ll probably just kill myself. Somebody please give me some advice, I’d do anything.
Hey my friends ! I really wanna know how everybody’s doing. What’s something that made you laugh this past week? Did you run into an old acquaintance? How is life right now ?
I think i might suffer from ptsd And my relationship with my father is pretty bad. We’ve never been really close especially after some events that happened in my childhood. Long story short, verbal and physical abuse. He even used to beat my cat. At best, he would totally ignore my existence, greeting everyone on the table except me, at worst call me a dog in front of guests, whispering that i was digusting. I was pretty badly beaten by my sibling n he n my mum would make me apologize everytime that happened. It was pretty rough man. Sometimes i wonder how i made It out alive. I’m pretty weak personality and emotions wise. I’ve learned how to be obedient so now we just act like nothing happened. I laugh when he makes jokes, greet him with a smile, listen to his crap. Overall, I’m just really afraid of him. Whenever we’re alone, I feel my heart tightening up n time moves slowly. I just can’t take it anymore. I feel like a waken person living with zombies. They act as if nothing happened n I have to fucking play along. Today, my dad called me couldn’t stop fucking talking about what he did today then he started lecturing me about communication skills and how I should be forgiving. Man, something inside me just cracked. Some pretty violent ideas came through my mind, I fucking hate him, I hate this, everything. I fucking wanna die. He destroyed every little piece of self esteem I’ve tried building these days. Now back to point 0. God help me, idk what to do anymore. I have some very important exams coming up, and I’m so behind. I wanna get out of here, I wanna go home, i wanna feel warmth n love. Being severely depressed doesn’t help. There’s just nothing in me. Please I need advice, somebody help me out I beg you.
I’m really losing my mind and i don’t know what to do. i just can’t get used to this feeling, the sadness, the hopelessness. I feel nothing. The only two emotions that exist in my mind are anger and sadness. I don’t wanna die but Im extremely tired. My psychiatrist prescribed antidepressants , but i don’t know i’ve read so many bad things abt them. I’m afraid that they would change me or make me « dumber ». If someone has already tried em, please help me out.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried everything but there is nothing left. I’ve even gone to a psychiatrist hoping that she would help me but i just couldn’t help but feel like i was being judged. A culprit defending himself. Yesterday i didn’t feel like going but i had to since the doctor had postoned one of her meetings to meet me; However i just couldn’t answer any of her questions ,i got defensive. She got mad, even though she tried to hide it i could feel her anger then she said that i was depressed, told me that next time i should think of a subject to talk about before coming then gave me the card of another therapist n told me to go see her. She then told me that she wanted to talk to my mother. After questionning my mother , she admited that the doctor had told her that i wasn’t receptive and that i would give her vague answers, she also told her that i should take the antidepressants she just prescribed to me and that she would see me in 6 weeks. I feel betrayed , it is true that i wasn’t very talkative that day , but was it worth the punishment? She was my last hope, i thought she’d help me , I thought i could escape this nightmare, I thought there was a way out. All i wanted was someone , anyone to help me. I’ve been seing her for more than a month , and i told her so many things i’ve never told anyone before, i trusted her. Am i really this unloveable? i punished myself as usual. I’ve been thinking of a way out. If there’s someone reading this, please reach out for help before it’s too late. Yes, sometimes it is too late but don’t let it get to that point. I’m a surviver of child abuse and have had depression for many many years. The last time i felt joy was two years ago. I wanna go back so bad.