sudden stab of need, drowned once again in my stupor

I’ve been trying to clean up my office, you know the place I spend 18 hours a day six days a week in.  Today, as I was shambling my way through it (the only state I know how to clean in anymore), I came across a length of chain used to train dogs. It’s a horribly inhumane little object, and most days I’m too soft to use it on my puppies.

I feel like it’s pretty obvious where my mind went next. I fantasized about ending my life. That’s how suicidality comes to me now; little bursts that no one sees coming, followed by hours of drunken or stoned stupor to attempt not to think about it too much.

On the other hand I had an honest discussion about what I want;

lately I’ve been thinking about starting a workshop and building furniture. Beautifully made furniture is a constant requirement, if I were to gain certain specific skills in assembly I have more of a chance of becoming a millionaire.

More to the point; I’m tired of other people. I’ve worked my butt off for sixteen years, and I’m still flat broke, unable to afford the most basic of needs. This is post university, post becoming a published author. The point is that there is never going to be enough talent to fill the lack in our culture. We feed on mediocrity. I was rewatching a few movies that took place in the 19th century, and that seems like a more plausible future than any of the utopian science fiction I once loved so well. We’re a short jump to families being so poor they have to have their kids go to work too. I don’t know if anyone gets that, or cares. The point is; yes, that bothers me, but so does the shoddy construction of much of the commercially sold furniture today. We can and should move away from medium density fiberboard (MDF), it takes the same amount or less wood to use wood…… so that’s an area I think mankind is more interested in experiencing improvement than in being better people to the people around us. There’s no money in it unless you are planning to cheat and steal. In our culture money dictates value, and it would appear we don’t value people much.

Remind me again why I should leave the chain alone? It’s not important, everyone is hurting, we’re all dying and enough of us are incapable of having children that we have under-replaced since 1995; people my age don’t want kids they can’t afford, and who apart from millionaires can afford children in this economy?! Chain is looking better by the minute, which means I should stop. Oh well.