ADHD, borderline Asperger syndrome …according to the self test but I’ve suspected the former a while now. It isn’t enough that I’m a copy pasted evolutionary monkey dilute that could be replaced in 0.3 seconds at the current birthrate. It’s not enough that the ‘abilities’ I have are kind of like a stock attribute assigned to millions of others. It’s not enough that I the thoughts and inspirations I’ve had are predictable like clockwork and are repeated by the millions of others down to age of happening and influences. We are all a bunch of copies and this idea of individuality penetrates as deep as unique licence plates on the same car model.
But added to that my car has a gearbox full of neutrals. A mind that has no power to focus, and anything that the millions of others achieve, seems like some insurmountable task to the piece of shit writing this post. So here I sit, with less to use than others and what I do have (art) is for all its dimensions so generic in a race of 7.8 billion where at least a thousand other someones are doing something similar.
Fuck my parents for witlessly pushing me into this place. As if their own struggles were not enough to think how worthless passing it forth would be. Did they not grow up with the literary age that revealed our civilization as an oppressive dystopia? You had the material to work out that your kid was going to be another mass produced blib, nothing but a pixel (one of the dimmer ones) in 16K image of something pretty ugly.
But I forgive them, after all the pyramid scheme we call our entire civilization from the ground up, it needs a max subscriber construct to keep the system going. In the end life is the product, thereby infomercials convincing to the overworked, underpaid slave race of evolutionary diluted monkeys. Convincing them that this life is somehow worth passing forth.
……But it just isn’t, no matter how much its marketed.